Here’s to a 2016

Oh my wow. 2016 is really here! When I think about my 2015, especially my vision board, so many of those things came true for me. I am eager to be even more intentional about my 2016. With a loose vision, many things came to me. With intention, work, and purpose, I wonder what more will come.

I have a girlfriend now. It feels weird. I have been single for so long I don’t even know what it feels like to be in a relationship. I suppose the main thing that’s changed is that I spend a lot of time with her. She shares so much with me and gives so freely. Where I am focused is to make sure I know where I end and where she begins. She just spoils me so much it’s unreal. She spent 30 minutes searching in Old Navy to find me a sweater that I would like so that I could wear it to meet her friends. But because I am a nut she made sure to get something from the clearance rack. ūüôā

Per the usual work has been triggering me a lot. Yet through it all I am struggling to care. I don’t know what I want from my career; I just know it isn’t this. I just know that Marion gave up too much for it to be this. I am getting close. I can feel it. For me, I cannot let a lack of clarity get in the way of taking action. I need to be done standing by watching people execute the things I am too fearful to pull the trigger on.

I had so much fun helping M write her cover letter and feeling like I was a part of her getting job. I love helping to make good writing great, and to help people find jobs they love. Maybe that’s what I should be doing.

I said something interesting to a friend yesterday¬† — that there are so many ways to be part of a social justice movement. Doing the on the ground work day to day is a way, but providing financially is also another way. As long as it’s aligned, there is validity in the work. So maybe that’s where I will end up – in a job that, on the day to day, isn’t necessarily “fighting the good fight” but that allows me the freedom/flexibility/energy to volunteer or give money. Money is so important to the cause.

Things to note:
Meeting the friends

Birth of the twins

 

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The last of December

I cannot believe that a new year is fast approaching. There are so many things that I feel I need to do to close out the year. My house is getting more organized which is great, and I have been spending more time with my flovie which is also great.

But also scary as hell.

I booked the location for my 30th and also have my back up location just in case this Air BnB falls through.

I told my boss at work about Marion. She was really happy for me, which is great. I was worried that they would give me a hard time about taking off work.

Oh, work. Sweet work. I feel that I am supposed to be doing something else but I don’t yet know. I also, at the same time, feel that I am in the right place for me. Just for this moment in time. If work was more stressful, I wouldn’t have time for flovie as our relationship is forming.

I just feel so comfortable with her. We are really close friends. This morning in bed was toooo funny; we were just¬† making fun of each other. I have this tendency to take my sleep very seriously. Oh man, she just nailed making fun of me too well. All the time I feel that I love her. She’s so special to me. But it scares me a lot, too.

Yesterday I planned a surprise dinner and play date for her. She was sooooo surprised. Oh man it was great. We enjoyed a really nice show at the Orbiter theatre. It was perfect really.

 

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Dating

Am I single? I am dating. That’s for sure. The idea of having a significant other is one that I haven’t thought about in a very long time. What does it even mean?

I am trying not to take myself or life too seriously. I am enjoying spending time with someone special – that’s all there is to it. On my vision board, I remembered making a corner dedicated to romance. I can’t remember what I had on there to begin with, but it was something about finding a good mate. There was a phrase “perfect match” and then there was a phrase specific to a man. It didn’t feel right to me to have it up there — like I was writing in the stars that I wanted a man. I didn’t really care; I just wanted someone who could make me happy. So, I tore it off.

Fast forward to months later, and the person that I am dating happens to be a woman. A beautiful human being. I wonder what I might have allowed the universe to bring me by making that small change.

Men lately have been remerging. There was someone cute outside the gym today, but, after an initial acknowledgement of his being cute – I just wasn’t interested. I’m into Kale. That’s it. Shes my #1.

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Movement

I went to yoga and pilates this week. I am sooooooooooooo glad that I have a week off coming up. I am going to take full advantage of that fact! Headed down to Baltimore on Tuesday and coming back Friday. It’s going to be a perfect trip. A couple days with B, a couple days with Family and a couple days with just lil’ ole me!

I have been spending a lot of time with someone special lately. Unlike what I usually do, I have been firmly in the present with her. Not concerned about what could be – just enjoying my time with her while I have it.

A friend asked me if things were official yet, and I am not quite ready. I’m actually quite scared.

I sent Jamie a picture of this starfish. It’s broken. It does make me tear up though. I think because it’s just broken forever. If it were alive, it could repair itself. But, since it’s dead, it’s just broken. Some how between this week and last, someone broke it and now it can’t be fixed. Because someone was careless, nobody else can enjoy the whole starfish again. I am reminded of how fragile we all are in this life. There’s just something inherently sad about that to me.

I had a bit of a rough week as far as sugar consumption. I felt that it was out of control. It was not a great week when it came to that. In terms of building strength, I did a decent job but I am not sure if I could do more. I struggle to figure out when to push and when to let happen. There is such a fine line between patience and laziness and I don’t know what side of it I am on when it comes to this phase of my fitness journey. I don’t want to struggle my entire life with weight. It’s like I just want to arrive at that destination and be done. But maybe that’s not how life works…perhaps even for elite athletes that isn’t how it works.

I just said to a friend that will power can only take you so far. There’s only so much of it that you can have.

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NaNoWriMo is hard

So, so very hard. I pretty much feel like a failure with no discipline. I wrote for a day or so and then haven’t written since. Am I making excuses or is novel writing just not for me?

I do enjoy writing but I guess I don’t really like writing fiction. I knew that going into it, but I thought perhaps I could challenge myself to do something new. As a child I wrote daily, mostly short stories or journaling.

I don’t know why I had been paralyzed. I went to see my friend’s baby sister’s play. She’s an amazing playwright and artist and finishes work. I am both inspired by and intimidated by her. What is wrong with me that I can’t finish anything all of a sudden? What happened to my drive and determination? My focus?

I have been thinking a lot about weight lately, as usual. Two years ago I was at my lightest, now I am 20 pounds heavier. I am trying not to obsess about it.I need to strike a balance between obsessing about it as well as caring about it. I worked too hard to lose weight to gain it all back.

Inches. I am thinking about inches. How bad will I make myself feel over inches? I don’t want to make myself feel bad. 11/23/13 was 30 inches. Now, it’s 32 inches. I would feel better – I think – about 27 inches. I don’t know why.

I go back and forth between feeling comfortable and okay with wanting to be smaller. I really do want to take my yoga to the next level – and I wonder if I must be smaller for that. I am not sure. I know I need to be stronger?

Self, there’s just a few things to focus on. And don’t get caught in the details. Get your sugar consumption under control and build a strong core.

I need to quantify these goals a bit…quantify so that I can track them.

Sunday – Planet Fitness or Off

Monday – Pilates or Planet Fitness

Tuesday – Planet Fitness

Wednesday – Gentle Vinyasa or Planet Fitness

Thursday – Planet Fitness

Friday – Breathe and Flow

Saturday – Pilates or Planet Fitness

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NaNoWriMo

Starting now. Journal on pause.

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Muscles

I have been going to the gym lately with Ana. It’s been nice to have a gym buddy. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately – about why it is that I can’t seem to get with or stick with a weight loss regimen.

I decided to try something new — instead of fixating on calorie burn, fixate on building muscle. I really want to do a pull up – and I’ve had it on my to-do list since 2013, so I can get started with it now. I have used not knowing what to do as an excuse – but I’m just starting simple. Assisted push ups, bicep curls and tricep curls until I can do push-ups on my own. Once I can do that, or even while I am working toward that, I am going to use the assisted pull up machine to watch myself be able to lift more and more of my own weight.

I imagine that with this I could also lose weight, but I guess in some ways I don’t really care how much I weigh. I can find decent clothes at this size — I really just want to be able to take my yoga practice to the next level. I don’t know why, but I am super obsessed with crow pose right now. I’ll ask a few of the teachers what it is good for.

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My mom made me mad yesterday

There is no rule book when it comes to reunions. I just have to keep in the forefront of my mind that I am a child and didn’t ask for any of this.¬† I didn’t ask for Marion to adopt out her child and I didn’t ask to be adopted by a different family. The grown ups made these choices. My mom really made me mad because 2-3 weeks ago she said she didn’t care if I changed my middle name. I took that at face value because that’s what she said – I wasn’t even thinking about doing that really – not at the stage. So when she just volunteered that it was a sense of relief.

So last night, I tell her that I am giving consideration to changing my middle and last name. She basically flips out acting like she never said she didn’t care and how could I /why do I need to change my name. And then she said something about my “new age” thinking and that she doesn’t understand it. Then she had the nerve to say “well you can do that when I’m dead.”

It made me really angry. First of all – no – absolutely not. I am not putting my life on hold for 30 more years. This is my call, and I told her in a slightly nicer tone than the one I have right now.

I don’t like it when people act brand new about things, especially not something like this. I think a renaming could be very special since the agency pretty much took away whatever connection I would have to Marion.

However, it’s the three of us now so I would hope my mom could be a part of it. No matter how strange that seems to folks. It doesn’t seem strange to me at all. I don’t feel the need to “pick” or rank anything or anyone. Logistically I think it will be hard for 3 people to decide on a name but I think it can be done. Or I could just pick my own name and not involve either one of them. Or I could just keep things the same.

I had a chat with Maria about this and I came to the conclusion that this would be one of the first times in my life where I have actually had the opportunity to make my own decision, and where that decision would be different than what my parents wanted me to do. I guess this is what it feels like to actually be grown, and to make choices for yourself independent of whether or not it will hurt your parents feelings. It’s a lot of work.

Maria actually mentioned that she didn’t initially understand why I would want to/consider changing my name. It took me a while to explain it — that people are constantly evolving and VJ is a person with 1 brother and 1 sister, and I am now a person that has 3 brothers and 2 sisters and 2 mothers and I would like a name (esp. a last name) that reflects that uniqueness. I also realized that folks are not in my situation. They are privileged (and probably take for granted) the fact that everything is already aligned in their life. They have a name that was given to them by the person who birthed them, which is the same person who raised them. I cannot/will not/and refuse to be criticized by people who never have been and never will be in my situation.

I glanced over at the calendar next to me at the studio. It says “treat every moment as you last. it is not preparation for something else.” I really do try to live this way. I don’t want to make my mother angry or hurt her feelings but at the same time, I have to move forward with what is important to me.

I have always considered myself as indecisive, not quite knowing what I want. And I suppose in some ways I feel that subtle shift. I see this is various aspects — like I haven’t been able to decorate my house the way I want to because I have a hard time deciding what it is that I like. I have struggled to be decisive about things – charging forward in one direction without stopping to ask everyone their opinion about what they think I should do. I feel done with that.

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New opportunities

I’ve had some time to think – and I am wide open to new opportunities as far as work goes. It feels weird – I didn’t think I would leave in the middle of the year, but if something that I want to take appears in front of me, I will have to jump at it.

I am curious about a job at BCG – I guess although my heart is always in Education, I would like to experience a different industry. Perhaps I can learn things about business operations that could be helpful in an educational context.

I started reading about certifications and such to see if I I might need one to become competitive for an industry switch. I have a meeting on Friday of this week with a few women in the field – I am going to ask about certifications and credentials and what steps I might need to take to be where they are some day.

I’m thinking about how to get a little extra money. I’m thinking that I will make an Air B & B listing. It will require that I am a little more strategic about my back room. I guess – I never quite thought of it – perhaps I could even give up my bed to host 2 people and take the futon or whatever. I could get creative. Maybe I’ll be able to find a commuter looking for work space during the day – that would be awesome!

A little bit of a contract job would be great, too. Just a little something. I wanted that TFA job so bad but I didn’t get it. Maybe there are other such opportunities available¬† — just a small side job to sharpen my axe. I’ll find it somehow.

On to LinkedIn.

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I fell off my bike

And I’m kind of scared about riding again.

Holy crap. I am ….. I can barely focus right now. Since Marion, it is like people keep finding me. What is going on here? I really cannot figure it out. The universe is just gifting me a lot right now. I don’t know why or how really. It just seems maybe now is the time for reasons I don’t know. And so I am getting a lot.

Clearly Marion is the greatest gift that any adoptee I could ask for. But other things are being filled in. Things that I’d forgotten about but probably affected me in some way.

Suddenly, after years, Danny comes back and apologizes for being an ass and for hurting me. This was completely unexpected and of course, now, he’s at an arm’s length but whatever.

Today, just a few minutes ago, I check my work email. I received an email from someone that I befriended and who just fucked off. The whole thing is causing me emotional distress – not necessarily in a negative way because this person is not Marion. But because they are saying things that make me think of Marion.

The message is below.

Name: <Redacted>
E-Mail: <redacted>@gmail.com
Subject: V?
Message: Hi,

We met on tumblr and became phone and email friends. You might remember we talked about trans issues. This was in 2012. I abandoned you when I got too scared.

I am very sorry for treating you that way. I am trans, and I know it now. If you choose to be my friend again I promise I will not abandon you.

-<Redacted>

Like….do I have abandonment issues? Like is that just how this goes no matter the fact that I think I am a well adjusted person? I’m not mad at Marion. I am not even lying to myself when I say that. I understand why some children are angry with their parents. I think it is okay to be angry. But I am not. I don’t know, this is all so complicated.

There is not a guidebook. Modern medicine — both for physical and mental health has more questions than answers. Life is really shifting now and I can’t even explain the how or why. I haven’t been practicing Reiki lately – well, I suppose I’ve been doing a little bit here and there. But not dedicated daily practice. I think a lot about it, though, that image of things being stirred up.

I forgot about this person. But it seemed they still kept thinking of me. I don’t know how in the world they tracked me down. It wasn’t like I was secretive with my name or anything. But…. I still just can’t believe they remembered and searched and put themselves out there and found me. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism or something; I can just drop things and forget it about it. Just move along and keep going with it.

I wonder how long it will take me to get back on my bike. To forget about the fall and ride fast again.

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