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Shit

So time is moving fast. Here it is May.
I have a different understanding about things.
I think I’ve arrived to a different place.

My values.
I guess I know what they are.
What does it mean if I am not indycisive anymore?
If I know what I want.

I’ve decided to go full steam ahead with D & I work. Let’s just see what happens. I came to the realization that if Uber had a position for me to be an engineer or for me to be responsible for making sure that female engineers aren’t sexually harassed at work, I’d chose the latter.

I’ve been teaching yoga, quietly, with a friend. I really enjoy it. Last week we had an awesome pair practice where we just practiced side by side. It was LOVELY!

In sad news AB lost Ky. It was very, very, very traumatic for me. All I did was relieve 10/30/2006 all over again. But – I think, finally, I might have done the grieving I needed to. I read a really beautiful article that said the role of grief is to remember. The notion of “moving on” from a loss to where you aren’t re-triggered is a myth.

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It’s all an illusion

It’s all an illusion. I read somewhere that time is a construct and that everything that is happening already happened and everything that already happened is happening right now. Everything happens at the exact same time, but to make sense of it, we’ve created the idea of time.

Expanding that further, I understand that Deepak Chopra explains that 98% of the atoms of our bodies are replaced every year. An article I read that further talked about this 98% said something cool – that although we experience life as a solid, we are more like a ball of flames with things constantly changing.

And so it’s all an illusion. Does it matter what I do for work? That is not who I am. I’m on a different plane. I want to be somewhere were people appreciate the complexity of being human. Where people treat people as whole beings – where they value them simply for being instead of the work that they produce.

How can I change the world? By treating people as complex beings. I don’t have to do anything other than that. I could create a cool product or invent something new to change the world, but the way I believe I’ll have the most profound effect is simply by treating people differently.

I’m losing respect for people at work because of how they operate. I just see so much shade. I don’t want to surround myself with it anymore. I’m going to a coding class on Friday night and all day Saturday. I’m excited to launch myself into something new. One day I love the idea and the next day I am fighting it. I will not forget how much I wrote about this dream when I was a kid. I just want to see what happens. Maybe this will allow me to utilize my gift of language and problem solving.

If it doesn’t. I’ll find something else. I will be okay. I am okay.

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Waiting

Waiting sucks. It’s hard. It doesn’t get easier after 30 years of life. I cannot believe that nearly a month has passed since the last time I wrote. So crazy. How is it that time moves so so so quickly yet waiting for a day can feel agonizing?

I am compulsively checking my email as I wait for the hiring manager to get back to me about the position that I applied for. The interview process was definitely an enjoyable one. The performance task allowed me to flex some muscles that I hadn’t worked in a while. I so so so much want for this to work out. It would complete this year of transformation that I hoped for.

I got the keys to my new apartment today. A and I are moving in together for real. We are in the midst of purchasing a couch. It feels both surreal and right at the same time to have this new identity – an us. An actual us. Not my favorite couch and not her favorite couch. But an our couch.

I got into an argument with one of my moms about A. She still doesn’t accept that I am dating a woman and then has the nerve to turn around and expect a close relationship with me. I refuse. I just refuse. I’m not playing games with her. We can be associates I guess if she refuses to accept me for who I am. Every other person I know is supportive and it’s a shame she would rather be on her lonely, holier than thou high horse than meet the person I love. My eyes are permanently rolled back.

I can feel that I am in a perpetual state of stress. I haven’t been able to do much other than be anxious about these changes in my life. I have not been eating properly. I need a major reset! A and I talked about doing the whole30 again. I think that is for good reason.

Well, I am going to look at couches to see if we can find another good one.

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Read this before you buy a mattress: 10 tips to ensure you get the best deal

My bed is beat. I purchased it no more than 3 years ago from a store called Furniture Weekend in the tiny town I lived in at the time. I was just starting out and wanted to upgrade from an air mattress to a real bed. I had no idea what I was doing and did very little research before I began shopping. It’s because of that lack of preparation that led to a $500 mistake.

Have you read your mattress tag lately?

Notice anything funny about this mattress tag? (Aside from the fact that it looks possessed – that blurry effect is from my failing camera phone).

A bed that only lasts 3 years? Yeah, I guess they exist. In fact, it is rather expected that your mattress will not live through its warranty. Part of the reason why I think my mattress deteriorated so fast is because it was intended to be used without a foundation. I didn’t even know that some mattresses were made that way. Sadly, either the owners at Furniture Weekend were misinformed or just shrewd when they sold me a box spring for my mattress that didn’t need it. Either way, I remain extremely unimpressed. I will not be taken twice, though.

I’ve done a lot of research over the past several days in preparation of buying a new mattress. I feel really empowered and informed about my purchase. I’m waiting for delivery and will surely give an update once that date comes! I know I got a good deal. I want to make sure you get a good deal, too. Don’t get got! Consider the learnings below as you are purchasing your next mattress.

1.  You’re the expert on how your body feels. No salesperson can tell you how comfortable you feel or “should” feel in a bed. Take notes on how you feel in the bed. Pay attention to pressure points and anywhere that causes you pain.

2. Don’t be shy about trying out the bed. Bring your own pillow and possibly a blanket. Take off your shoes. Lay in the bed in the position you like to sleep in. Change positions. Stay in the bed for at least 15 minutes. Don’t be concerned with what anyone else thinks about what you’re doing – you’re shopping for your dream bed without the hassle of returning something. If you feel like being playful or saucy, dismiss a hover salesperson who won’t stop talking with “Hmm, you’re new at this aren’t you?” Alternatively, you could say “I’m going to get comfortable. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to move on.”

3. The salesperson may be friendly, but they are not your friend. They have a bottom line: extract the highest amount of money out of you as possible. They might do this with smiles, jokes, and flattery. They make it appear that they are doing you a favor by throwing in free this or that, or by discounting certain items. No. They are doing themselves a favor of getting you to spend money. Be a friend to yourself and remember your own bottom line. Be prepared to see their friendly smile turn to a frown when you push back. Remind yourself that you don’t care if the salesperson likes you – you care about whether or not you’re getting the best deal for your money.

4. Salespeople are pushy to those that allow themselves to be pushed. 

1.  Take 2-4 weeks to complete the buying cycle (i.e. test sleep to commitment to payment). There’s a lot of things that you need to consider before committing to purchase a mattress, and rushing through any of these components could result in a costly mistake. You won’t regret slowing down.

 

 

Don’t worry about missing a sale. When you really stop at think of it, there seems to be one every 5 minutes, doesn’t there? Labor Day, Black Friday, Christmas, Memorial Day, Fourth of July.

 

 

 

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So the job search is coming along

I made a portfolio of my writing the other day. So happy to have gotten that off the ground. I am waiting for the hiring manager to send me the performance assessment for the position. It’s very interesting—I said, ruminated on even, not wanting to fill out an application and go through the terror of all of that. And here – I sent an email and was connected with the hiring manager. This feels promising. It’s scary for it to feel promising. I am worried that I won’t get the position and will feel disappointment and being trapped.

It’s hard.

I am scared to read some of my old poems. They are so dark and twisty. I don’t know where they came from. I will have to re-read one. Just to see. YTT weekend tomorrow — looking forward to it. I also have a cleaner coming in …..looking forward to that.

Today was a lovely day. I truly enjoyed it. I got an itch to visit the TNTP website again. I see a writing job on there. I am going to write a cover letter and apply.

Let’s see what happens.

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Tomorrow, yoga

I went ahead and took the plunge and registered for yoga teacher training. Despite feeling like I’m too new and other sorts of imposter thoughts, I just went ahead and did it.

The most curious part of all of this is that when I decided I was going to do the training I was at a lower weight – and in pretty good shape. Now, however, in starting the training, I’m currently 220. I didn’t realize I’d gained weight but here we are. The curious part of this is that I would have never thought myself a 220 pound yoga teacher. Though I do enjoy that I can be a model for others. Yoga is so much deeper than asana practice anyways.

I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I am enjoying working with my manager but I just want to learn some new things and I’m quite bored at work. I have enjoyed working with and managing my newest intern — he’s a shy software developer. I’ve decided that I need to take some action steps toward a career transition: two of my best friends have left the office and my final friend is also trying to get the hell out.

I don’t want to be left behind.

I also don’t want to be someone that talks but doesn’t try things. I can recall last year telling Sam that I was curious about tech and looking to transition but here we are a year later and I’m in a similar position. I’ve just got to MOVE. MOVE. MOVE.

My relationship with A is progressing nicely. I share a life with her. I guess that makes me gay. That’s probably the weirdest part about the whole thing, is that I would be in a “gay” relationship according to the world. I just really love her and she’s such a good person. I don’t know what I would do if she left me. I try not to think about things like this.

I’m thinking about visiting Marion for her birthday. I’m not sure if I am going to do it yet. I wonder why I am feeling a bit fatigued.

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I told my manager I want to work somewhere else

Now the hard part is just finding another black woman to report to. It feels good – there’s like a fire in my belly. I can talk openly with a person that I respect about my career and where its going. She’s a great resource.

I’m going to be meeting Amber tonight. My baby sister. This is crazy!

Work – a place where black girls go to feel strong and limitless. where nobody assumes the worst of you, nobody calls you difficult only because you are critical, and nobody uses privilege and patriarchy to run their organization. This is what I’m looking for. Universe give me the strength to find it or the conviction to build it.

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Time is flying

I haven’t checked in here in a while. I’ve been writing a lot which is great – mostly in my journal. Things with Marion are going well.

I had a really rough week at work. Ugh. It was a week where I felt so small, defeated, cornered, attacked. Lots of terrible feelings. Ultimately, I have come to the decision that it is time for me to move on from my current job. The hard part is telling my manager. I really like her a lot. We’ve grown close. She’s supportive. She makes the work fun. But, it isn’t enough for me right now. I’m feeling that I need a major transition. Could be a new industry. Could be a new city. I’m not sure yet. I hope to gather more when I finish the joy equation with Molly Mahar. It’s a cool program and I’m happy that I am making time and doing the work.

My personhood is now more important than work, than feeling “successful.” I told my partner that I was infuriated to think that I gave up time with her, was short and impatient with her, for a person /company that ultimately think I’m a shady person.

No.

I’m.

Done.

I’m.

Done.

I’m.

Done.

I’m.

Done.

Self, make the move. It’s time.

I am going to be meeting my baby sister for the first time next week. It’s so exciting! I just want to do big sis, little sister stuff. I’ll be sure to take a lot of pictures. I’m going to see what I was up to in June of 2015.

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Back on track

I am someone who thrives on routines. I am so happy to be back in the studio, on Sunday, writing. This Sunday is especially special because 1) tomorrow is a holiday 2) today is Valentine’s day and 3) I am spending the day with the love of my life!

I just wonder when I am going to wake up. When things aren’t going to be like this…but it’s been months and I guess now is the time for me to accept that this IS my real life now.

I have a girlfriend and I met my mother Marion at my birthday party surrounded by all of my closest friends in Philadelphia. I cannot believe it. That I am done searching. Yet the Journey seems as if it has just begun.

I’m trying not to make this about weight loss, but I have gained about 30 pounds. AH! I call it “happy weight” since my girlfriend and I spend a lot of our time in bed laughing, smiling, and feeding each other cookies. It’s so fat and so perfect I love it. However, there are other things I hope to accomplish in my life that I need to be around for a while, so I just need to remain active and have a better diet. I can do better; I will do better.

I’m disappointed that I haven’t yet finished my holiday council work. I just want to land on the goals that are most important to me. It’s a surprise that it’s taken me this long to get through the work. Yet – I know I still have time to complete it and so I will.

I see the announcements for the 2016 studio yoga teacher training. I should register. I said I wanted to do this in 2016 and then I thought about de-prioritizing it.  Hmmm. I’m not sure what I want to do yet. Somehow I felt intimidated that someone else was taking the training who had been practicing since high school. Why? I don’t know. Am I rushing? Or am I just going to try something new. No need to be or feel competitive with anyone else.  I’ll give it a try.

 

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A long weekend is a 4 day work week.

That’s what I’m looking forward to. I cannot believe that the time is closing in on Marion’s arrival. People have been asking me what it feels like and once again I don’t have a comment. Surreal I guess.  I do feel nonchalant about it, namely because my brain hasn’t yet caught up to the fact that this is actually happening. She’s very special to me and it some ways I don’t think that myself has fully integrated who she is. The longing is gone. It’s just complete so I can move on, or so it seems sometimes. My emotions are all over the place this week! I did notice that I didn’t go to yoga on Friday, so maybe there is something to that.

I have been spending a lot of time with A.  The girlfriend. It’s so weird I can’t believe I have a girlfriend. It feels – I don’t know. Probably surreal as well. Girlfriend actually sometimes feels – cheap – maybe like things are diminished a bit. I would never admit it publicly yet – feels too soon – but I think of her as more like the love of my life rather than a girlfriend. She’s just the best friend I never had yet….and I’ve had some amazing friendships. It’s like a best friendship on steroids. I sometimes wonder if it’s just going to blow up in my face.

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