Monthly Archives: September 2015

I fell off my bike

And I’m kind of scared about riding again.

Holy crap. I am ….. I can barely focus right now. Since Marion, it is like people keep finding me. What is going on here? I really cannot figure it out. The universe is just gifting me a lot right now. I don’t know why or how really. It just seems maybe now is the time for reasons I don’t know. And so I am getting a lot.

Clearly Marion is the greatest gift that any adoptee I could ask for. But other things are being filled in. Things that I’d forgotten about but probably affected me in some way.

Suddenly, after years, Danny comes back and apologizes for being an ass and for hurting me. This was completely unexpected and of course, now, he’s at an arm’s length but whatever.

Today, just a few minutes ago, I check my work email. I received an email from someone that I befriended and who just fucked off. The whole thing is causing me emotional distress – not necessarily in a negative way because this person is not Marion. But because they are saying things that make me think of Marion.

The message is below.

Name: <Redacted>
E-Mail: <redacted>@gmail.com
Subject: V?
Message: Hi,

We met on tumblr and became phone and email friends. You might remember we talked about trans issues. This was in 2012. I abandoned you when I got too scared.

I am very sorry for treating you that way. I am trans, and I know it now. If you choose to be my friend again I promise I will not abandon you.

-<Redacted>

Like….do I have abandonment issues? Like is that just how this goes no matter the fact that I think I am a well adjusted person? I’m not mad at Marion. I am not even lying to myself when I say that. I understand why some children are angry with their parents. I think it is okay to be angry. But I am not. I don’t know, this is all so complicated.

There is not a guidebook. Modern medicine — both for physical and mental health has more questions than answers. Life is really shifting now and I can’t even explain the how or why. I haven’t been practicing Reiki lately – well, I suppose I’ve been doing a little bit here and there. But not dedicated daily practice. I think a lot about it, though, that image of things being stirred up.

I forgot about this person. But it seemed they still kept thinking of me. I don’t know how in the world they tracked me down. It wasn’t like I was secretive with my name or anything. But…. I still just can’t believe they remembered and searched and put themselves out there and found me. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism or something; I can just drop things and forget it about it. Just move along and keep going with it.

I wonder how long it will take me to get back on my bike. To forget about the fall and ride fast again.

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Movement

The last three weeks have been a whirlwind. I am slowly integrating everything that I’ve learned and experienced into my daily life.  It seems like things are falling into place.

I had my first phone conversation with Marion on Labor Day. I waited until Jamie left to go home because I wanted it to be in private. I was so nervous. We talked for a really long time, maybe 2 or 3 hours. I would have to go back and look at my call log. We talked about a variety of things but both agreed that many things would be better left to discuss in person.  From what I know, Marion and her children haven’t had the easiest of lives. It is complicated because there really was a different life waiting for me. I would have had a different name, and quite certainly a different life trajectory.

My brother JJ, Marion’s father, Marion — all artists, especially singers. I have never really tried singing outside of being in the shower. It’s just a completely different identity. I have an identity of being intellectual, creative, and a tad bit artistic. Yet in this family, it seems that no one really “did” school. School is just such a significant part of me it’s so different. I wonder if I have a secret talent — I am sure I have many secret talents, just like they do. Things that you can only uncover if the circumstances allow.

I’ve been thinking a lot about heritability. Personally I don’t think we know much at all about how these things work. I haven’t read much. I’m sure researchers would disagree with me because I said we don’t know anything. Marion and I have very similar mannerisms. But I’ve never actually met her. We have similar speech patterns and cadence; we enjoy many of the same things, especially chocolate. Sure, that sounds inconsequential, but I see it as quite significant. We like the same things. Have many of the same struggles. But we’ve actually never met and have had quite different lives and paths.

It’s really fun interacting with her because it’s allowed me to think –hmm, is this what it is like when people are talking to me? I can quite easily follow her thinking pattern because it’s very similar to mine.

I had a scare the other day. I had to send Maria the Marion 911 text. I am glad to have a friend who will pretty much drop anything for me, when I need it. I had to send her the text because I came out of work and had a long, exhausting text from Marion where– I just had no idea where it came from. She essentially thought that either something terrible happened to me and/or I asked my mother to call her because she had upset me. I was very worried because it was out of the blue, and we had a nice conversation the night before. I thought – is something wrong? Is something wrong with her, and possibly with me?

After I calmed down a bit, I was able to appreciate the fact that Marion and I have similar ways of thinking. It’s just a fast brain that can go down a rabbit hole of negativity very quickly when there is uncertainty. And I have developed certain coping skills over the years that allow me to rein it in, but it seems like she hasn’t had access to certain opportunities that would make her do this. I can be more understanding but at the same time I also needed to make sure I was protected. It was devastating of course, because for a moment I thought — did I make a mistake inviting this person into my life? She’s in my life now and I think I would have a very hard time changing my mind about it. For better, or for worse.

I haven’t yet connected with my siblings. I think I am going to write a letter to my little sister, just to say hello. I like handwritten things, though I will put my contact info in there in case she rather text me. We’ll see what happens. I want to send Marion a small present but part of me thinks its too soon. We’ll see.

 

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