And I’m kind of scared about riding again.
Holy crap. I am ….. I can barely focus right now. Since Marion, it is like people keep finding me. What is going on here? I really cannot figure it out. The universe is just gifting me a lot right now. I don’t know why or how really. It just seems maybe now is the time for reasons I don’t know. And so I am getting a lot.
Clearly Marion is the greatest gift that
any adoptee I could ask for. But other things are being filled in. Things that I’d forgotten about but probably affected me in some way.
Suddenly, after years, Danny comes back and apologizes for being an ass and for hurting me. This was completely unexpected and of course, now, he’s at an arm’s length but whatever.
Today, just a few minutes ago, I check my work email. I received an email from someone that I befriended and who just fucked off. The whole thing is causing me emotional distress – not necessarily in a negative way because this person is not Marion. But because they are saying things that make me think of Marion.
The message is below.
We met on tumblr and became phone and email friends. You might remember we talked about trans issues. This was in 2012. I abandoned you when I got too scared.
I am very sorry for treating you that way. I am trans, and I know it now. If you choose to be my friend again I promise I will not abandon you.
Like….do I have abandonment issues? Like is that just how this goes no matter the fact that I think I am a well adjusted person? I’m not mad at Marion. I am not even lying to myself when I say that. I understand why some children are angry with their parents. I think it is okay to be angry. But I am not. I don’t know, this is all so complicated.
There is not a guidebook. Modern medicine — both for physical and mental health has more questions than answers. Life is really shifting now and I can’t even explain the how or why. I haven’t been practicing Reiki lately – well, I suppose I’ve been doing a little bit here and there. But not dedicated daily practice. I think a lot about it, though, that image of things being stirred up.
I forgot about this person. But it seemed they still kept thinking of me. I don’t know how in the world they tracked me down. It wasn’t like I was secretive with my name or anything. But…. I still just can’t believe they remembered and searched and put themselves out there and found me. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism or something; I can just drop things and forget it about it. Just move along and keep going with it.
I wonder how long it will take me to get back on my bike. To forget about the fall and ride fast again.