Well, this is interesting. I think I’m done with Anj. That was quick. I am fine, though. It was very much a windows and mirrors type of experience. So many of the things that were happening between she and I had happened between me and other people and her and other people. It allowed me to see just how far I have come.
She frustrated me a lot – and I am sure I frustrated folks in the same way. It’s an early-mid twenties thing where a person is so insecure that everything has to be about them. I used to think in this way. It’s great to be freed of it, but it is also incredibly frustrating now to deal with folks that are in this school of thought.
I think that – not that he is completely free of responsibility – this is in part what the downfall of my relationship with E was. I was just so, so insecure. And responded with a great deal of hostility in return….it was a defense mechanism.
This week has been a difficult one for me. I didn’t get the promotion at work. I am a sensitive sally and thought I could get through hearing the news without crying but I couldn’t. The part that upset me the most was having to tell my mom I didn’t get the job. I was hoping to have extra money so that I could spend more time at home. My mom said that – since I (capital I ) didn’t really want this job, that’s why it wasn’t in the cards for me.
I am a person that believes everything happens for a reason. When I was talking to M about everything, she affirmed something that I was thinking — this promotion would have anchored me to a place that I have been contemplating leaving. So it’s better this way. Even though things are not set and I have more uncertainty than anything, it’s better this way. I just have to trust that.
I took a break from Ancestry.com but went back on there and replied to a few folks. A lady wrote back and told me that I am related to her via her Father’s side and that his family is an Alabama. It’s just a trip to have connections places to which I have no connection. In my research so far, I have heard Louisiana come up several times and now Alabama. It’s just weird to think of myself as having family in the South. It only makes sense though since I am black. There’s quite a few puzzle pieces to fit together and as they are fitting together it is hard to comprehend. It might be because for 29 years all I’ve known is that I was born in Florida and was adopted. So, I just sort of left that behind and moved forward with my life from that point. But there is such curiosity if my biological family isn’t in Florida–a few of the cousins that I have connected with have said they don’t know anyone in Florida.
The cousin that is in Florida hasn’t yet replied to my message. I can see that he hasn’t logged into the site in a while. So I’m going to give it a few more weeks before I do something a bit more aggressive like email him with an address that I found online. I think perhaps he would reply to that. And if not, I would then probably amp it up a bit – just to make sure the contact was received.
I have been curious about signing up for the next yoga teacher training. Like, when I hear folks say “I can’t believe I was doing Z wrong so so many years” I think – why wait years to practice Z wrong? Why not just jump right in to learn it now?
I am going to give myself a little reiki treatment in here before I get back to finishing up my shift.