Monthly Archives: August 2015

I found my mother and her name is Marion

In a week, life has changed dramatically. I decided “there’s no time like the present” and decided to email my cousin from Ancestry.com. I just got paranoid like – omg, what if he isn’t doing well, what if he dies, this is my chance – this is my connection. I have to seize it. And I did. And I’ve connected with the family.

This.is.fucking.crazy.

I quite literally didn’t think this could happen. Now I have this triangular relationship – me, my adoptive family, and my birth family.

Needless to say, most of my thoughts have been around Marion but I have actually expanded to beginning to think about my siblings. My life is nothing but ordinary. My family is nothing but ordinary. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. I have 2 mothers. I have 2 mothers. I have 2 uncles and 6 aunties. This is cray. They’ve always known about me but I haven’t known about them. It’s really mindbending.

Sam’s coming over today to help me hang my curtains. I’m feeling accomplished. HAHA. Farewell for now.

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Moving slowly

So, it seems that I am back to recognizing that my sugar consumption is spiraling out of control. I would like to get back down to 185 again. There are clothes that fit better at that time and there’s a really cute purple skirt that I got from Aids Thrift that I would like to wear.

I don’t know quite how it happened, but in some ways it seems that over the last year I have started to eat more candy and more sweets. I’ve had several bouts of insomnia cookies and a few binges as well. It’s linked to stress, that’s for sure.

I want to focus just on sugar consumption, namely because it’s problematic for my teeth. I had two cavities filled on Friday and these teeth are costing me a ton of money.

I’m at the studio and someone called about African Dance. It cracks me up because the calls are always from white women and B told me the class was wack.

Anyways, back to sugar. Maybe it’s too difficult for me to be successful because I can only last so long with deprivation. Although I quit smoking cold turkey, perhaps getting my sugar under control will be more gradual. I found a rubber band and I’m bringing it back. I remember when I was first trying to quit smoking at MSU, I wore a rubber band and whenever I wanted to smoke I would snap it. Perhaps because it gave me something to do and also because I wanted to associate smoking with pain. I’m not sure if it worked.

I’ll try it with sugar this week and see how it goes. I also feel — if I agree to track and taper down consumption I will be more successful. The idea of not being able to have any today seems overwhelming – but being able to have some sugar just less than yesterday seems doable. It’s worth trying.

I am thinking about work — self, make a priorities list. Put on it, message 10 people on linked in. Just have that be the priority this week. Message 10 people in your network on LinkedIn. I need to have an understanding of who is in my corner. I am also not sure if I am doing myself a disservice by deleting folks who don’t respond to my messages. I’ll just make a note of it. Stay connected to them.

Other priorities for personal / professional development: update LinkedIn profile. Read a chapter of Bell hooks or cornel west. Yoga 2 nights this week.

Let’s see how that goes.

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Comings and goings

Well, this is interesting. I think I’m done with Anj. That was quick. I am fine, though. It was very much a windows and mirrors type of experience. So many of the things that were happening between she and I had happened between me and other people and her and other people. It allowed me to see just how far I have come.

She frustrated me a lot – and I am sure I frustrated folks in the same way. It’s an early-mid twenties thing where a person is so insecure that everything has to be about them. I used to think in this way. It’s great to be freed of it, but it is also incredibly frustrating now to deal with folks that are in this school of thought.

I think that – not that he is completely free of responsibility – this is in part what the downfall of my relationship with E was. I was just so, so insecure. And responded with a great deal of hostility in return….it was a defense mechanism.

This week has been a difficult one for me. I didn’t get the promotion at work. I am a sensitive sally and thought I could get through hearing the news without crying but I couldn’t. The part that upset me the most was having to tell my mom I didn’t get the job. I was hoping to have extra money so that I could spend more time at home. My mom said that – since I (capital I ) didn’t really want this job, that’s why it wasn’t in the cards for me.

I am a person that believes everything happens for a reason. When I was talking to M about everything, she affirmed something that I was thinking — this promotion would have anchored me to a place that I have been contemplating leaving. So it’s better this way. Even though things are not set and I have more uncertainty than anything, it’s better this way. I just have to trust that.

I took a break from Ancestry.com but went back on there and replied to a few folks. A lady wrote back and told me that I am related to her via her Father’s side and that his family is an Alabama. It’s just a trip to have connections places to which I have no connection. In my research so far, I have heard Louisiana come up several times and now Alabama. It’s just weird to think of myself as having family in the South. It only makes sense though since I am black. There’s quite a few puzzle pieces to fit together and as they are fitting together it is hard to comprehend. It might be because for 29 years all I’ve known is that I was born in Florida and was adopted. So, I just sort of left that behind and moved forward with my life from that point. But there is such curiosity if my biological family isn’t in Florida–a few of the cousins that I have connected with have said they don’t know anyone in Florida.

The cousin that is in Florida hasn’t yet replied to my message. I can see that he hasn’t logged into the site in a while. So I’m going to give it a few more weeks before I do something a bit more aggressive like email him with an address that I found online.  I think perhaps he would reply to that. And if not, I would then probably amp it up a bit – just to make sure the contact was received.

I have been curious about signing up for the next yoga teacher training. Like, when I hear folks say “I can’t believe I was doing Z wrong so so many years” I think – why wait years to practice Z wrong? Why not just jump right in to learn it now?

I am going to give myself a little reiki treatment in here before I get back to finishing up my shift.

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Last week I was with Anj here at the studio. I haven’t written in two weeks. I have kept up with my yoga routine which is great.

I got back my results from Ancestry.com It’s interesting; I am both surprised and not surprised. It’s a strange thing to actually be biracial. My adoptive parents said — in way that was kind of dismissive — you’re not biracial, but your mom was. Your grandmother was white. This is actually wrong. I understand why they talked like this -they wanted me to know the world sees you as who they see you not necessarily who you are. But, over the years I guess I created that distance. And in reality, when I look at a family tree and see people of BOTH races that are of equal distance to me  — 4th cousins for example, it’s just odd. It feels so unique and mind bending.

I am looking forward to Jamie’s visit. I might have missed my window for a cheap ticket trying to gamble. Oh well, I guess I’ll know for next time. I’ll just buy the ticket on Tuesday no matter what. We are going to do museums in DC, probably see B, and then head back to Philadelphia. My days off from work have also been approved.

I’m waiting to hear back about the promotion. There’s parts of it that I really want and parts of it that I don’t care about. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about journalism. I think it would be fun to work on This American Life. I have been wondering about how my curiosity and interest in talking with people and uncovering truth could play into my life’s work. I am uncovering that I the part I enjoy most about my current work is interviewing people and asking them questions. I also love storytelling. I’m curious about StoryCorps, too. That seems like an interesting place to work. And yet, I also think about this undercurrent of social justice. I’vedone a lot of talking – I was able to learn pretty quickly that although I love technology – I am not in love with code. I think it’s cool, but I don’t think I have enough of a passion for it. What I did learn, though, is that I had some on-the-ground experience with it before I was able to demystify it as “not my dream job.” Though I had been holding it as much.

Next: using meetup.com to volunteer on a documentary set to figure out if I hate it or love it.

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