Okay. So, I’m applying for my manager’s job. I don’t know where fear and insecurity end and intuition begins. It’s all so political. I’m worried but I am also trying to surrender. It’s hard. Totally hard. I don’t want to short change myself but at same time I don’t want to spend my entire weekend preparing for something that might just be a sham. Dont forget to breathe, self. Ah man. Whatever. Just don’t forget to breathe. if I don’t like the outcome, I can leave. And that’s that. Be that good to yourself.
Monthly Archives: July 2015
Well, today I went to Epic again for the 2nd time. The message was a lot better this time. Very interesting – it was mostly about how challenging it is to stay true to one’s beliefs and how easy it is to question the beliefs when they seem to put you at a disadvantage. I have certainly felt this was especially about my commitment to social justice and such. Having these beliefs don’t make me a popular person. I have felt a push and a pull about whether or not I just want to go and work for a job where I can make a lot of money. But I already know it won’t work. At least that’s what I’ve decided.
I have kept my secret about going to church from my mom because I don’t want her to get too excited. It’s interesting because when I am at church some of the Jesus stuff sounds weird to me now. I guess it’s no different than ascribing to a political or scientific way of thinking — it’s just the same as if someone would call themselves a Marxist or whatever. But I think it’s just a bit weird – can’t put my mind around it – when folks actually believe in Jesus as the son of god. I just don’t think it works that way but what do I know. I think of god as being immeasurable and limitless. So the praise and worship portion of church seems just – I can’t put my finger on it exactly. Maybe where my beliefs are at the time is that god should be acknowledged, appreciated and perhaps even feared but I am not sure about worshipping. We’ll see though.
I filled out a prayer card the last time I was at church and quickly after that M announced she’s leaving. It was intriguing because I felt like people really were praying for me. I don’t even know how exactly her departure will impact me but I think in combination,the prayer and the reiki has allowed The Real Truth to unfold. The work organization has significant needs for improvement and I am okay with not being around for such changes to happen. I even see that the organization has fundamental problems at the core leadership level, so I might not even be privvy or privileged to participate in some of those shifts.
For example, I made it clear that I was interested and wanted to become involved with the new company priority of diversity and equity. So when I hear in hushed conversations that senior leadership is looking for someone to present on the topic – and that they want this person to be from outside the organization – it’s just offensive and dismissive. I wasn’t asked at all who or what I knew about the topic. These people do not know what circles I run in and who I know. I can think from off the top of my head 4-5 experts that I am connected to who would be great in terms of coming in to lead a professional development session. But nope, nobody asks me for my opinion or input despite the fact I’ve made it clear that I am ready and capable to offer it.
I’m beginning to feel – or perhaps surrender to the fact that I am undervalued as an employee at the company. I notice this as an overall trend, actually. I also notice that folks who speak up and advocate for themselves are often given nasty labels – as if folks should see the job as a gift that has been given to them and they should accept whatever conditions and compensation are given. What I wonder about is whether or not this is unique to this company or if this is just how employers are at large.
I had lunch with an old friend yesterday and I learned a lot from listening to her experience as a young, educated black woman in leadership. It’s not a fun position to be in. Sometimes folks don’t believe in or invest in you in the way they invest in other people. So while maybe there is money to be had, respect might not be there. I will do my best to stay engaged and invested as much as I can, but the truth is that – my time is coming to an end at this company. I can feel it, and I also know that it is time to deal with the discomfort of a transition — to deal with the fact that I know I would disappoint at least some people with a departure. But. Yeah. I just want to set myself up such that I don’t have to be in this position in a year. I want to be somewhere else and it’s important that I take steps to make sure that happens.