Monthly Archives: June 2015

This week felt slow

It hasn’t even been a full week but time moved slowly and rapidly all at the same time. I wonder how this is possible. It’s a great feeling. I have been giving myself more Reiki lately, using the distance symbol so perhaps that has something to do with it.

I had a great performance evaluation. Sweet! It’s very odd because I don’t think I did anything differently but maybe I did.

I feel that I have more clarity, still. It’s a great feeling. I know that I am supposed to do more work with Diversity. I would have to have more insight on how yoga, reiki, athleticism, social justice and 9 All come together. 9 is my absolute favorite number. I would love for 9 to represent the hundreds of thousands of dollars waiting for me in the universe. I don’t need millions, nobody really does.

I did so much this week, it was really great. I am reading several books. Two on negotiation and one called Unrequited. That one is quite powerful. In those women’s stories I can find some of my own. I didn’t get to their level but I don’t think I am any different from them. I just happened to have someone trained and able to allow me to put things into perspective before I ended up in therapy. I probably need it. I suppose everyone does.

I am going to plan a trip for Jamie and I. I am so excited! It’s going to be our last hurrah before motherhood. I want to go big, but at the same time I have to recognize that she will be 6 months pregnant at the time and might have varying levels of energy. I will probably just stick with Baltimore since it’s quick and easy.

Well, let me start to plan that before I chicken out about spending money.

I made something for the first time in Vitamix and it was delicious and smooth. The first thing I made was a spinach smoothie and then I made a more dessert like drink of oatmeal, almond milk, and a banana. It was super tasty.

Just want to log something:

Temporary crown yesterday along with about 15 miles of movement, 10 on bike and 5 walking.

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Reading, reading, excitement

I purchased a new book about negotiation. I am eager and nervous to negotiate my salary at work. This is so hard for me because I think I am “ok” with what I make now, but at the same time I think they have me at a bargain because I know what my predecessor made. I hope that now is a great time to ask because I received a really good performance evaluation and the company is growing.

The book included some conflicting information – how does one leverage another offer without seeming manipulative? I also don’t have any other offers, so it seems like I would have to go about finding another position which I am nervous about.

I had a conversation with M earlier this week about what I want in life. When I think about it too much it’s overwhelming and too easy to start crying about. I just don’t know. I have been practicing what Leigh says about giving yourself permission for clarity. I am sure I do know, somewhere deep inside, what it is that I need to do with my life, my “calling.”

Social justice is so important to me. When I think about a fall back plan, and it consists of working for some corporation filled with whiteness and privilege, it’s too much. I can’t even take myself seriously. M and I talked a lot about how difficult it is to say no to the American dream and to pursue one’s own desires. These societal messages are so challenging to overcome, even when you have awareness of them. Throw on top of that any childhood complications. I said to someone recently that I grew up poor and I keep trying to run as far away from that as possible. But I am disgusted by the amount of privilege and injustice in the world, so the more money I amass, the more privilege I amass, too.

I just want to feel like enough. Whoa. That’s a Freudian slip of the keys. I was thinking “I just want to feel like I have enough.” But in reality, I know the truth. I have attached FAR too much of self-worth to the amount of money that I make. I don’t know why this has happened and continues to happen despite my attempts otherwise. It’s a very natural tendency and I want to try to break away from it.

I consider myself to be “for the people.” So when I got cursed clean the fuck out by this transient man in Suburban Station, I thought, geez what the hell is his problem. He said hello, and I said hello. I was busy and had 3 minutes to set up for my conference call. He asked me my name and I said I was trying to work and he flipped out, citing that if he were white I would share my name. And that “Black women are SOOOOOO ignorant.” Listen dude, I’m working for someone else from a train station. I do not think I am better than ANYONE. Ugh. I’m sitting right next to you, why do I need to make conversation with you to show respect? We are sharing a space. I was bothered because apparently I looked privileged in my nice clothing. So wrong.

I found a job posting for something that I didn’t even know existed. It’s fun. I saw a UX job and I thought that was interesting a while back. Most recently I saw a job for diversity and inclusion work. I had no idea that existed. I’m pretty jazzed about it – I know that I want to do this type of work for a while. Momentarily, I felt pulled away by the allure of a top salary as a web developer. I enjoyed web development, and I can certainly learn how to do it better as a way to supplement my income. But I don’t really believe that’s what I am meant to do or should do with my life. I am paranoid that the things I am meant to do won’t make me any money, and thus, we arrive at the first point.

Perhaps my current situation can serve me a little while longer if I negotiate this better salary and some job training in the area of diversity. I am excited to do a little research on it.

 

 

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It is so hot

It is so hot outside. I still feel disoriented a bit. Sheesh. And it wasn’t even that hot, or so I thought.

My dental procedure really wasn’t bad. I mean it actually was shocking to me how not really painful it was. It allowed me a perspective that 1) I am fortunate enough not to have to go to a cheap dentist and 2) money really can buy you different types of care. It isn’t a coincidence to me that I had problems in the section of my mouth where I had cavities filled by the dentist at the community health place in Fairmount. I remember going there because I like to live in a community and just, feel like I am part of it. It always made me feel more connected to students to be in their world completely. I’m angry – the only reason why things are at all different for me now is because I decided to use the privilege of my benefits to find the best possible dentist I could afford. I have that option, and lots of folks don’t.

Anyways, done on my tirade. Well, almost. I was in a LOT of pain when I got these cavities filled a few years ago. Now I know it was because I wasn’t properly numbed. That is scary! I am looking forward to getting my crown. I am glad that I am taking better care of myself. I decided, randomly, to get a mani/pedi with B. I enjoyed it. I rarely do things like that for myself. I don’t know, I suppose I still struggle with thinking those things are vain and not wanting to do it. I spend so much time bettering my brain each day — but I am not spending that much time bettering my body each day.

I have NOT been eating well lately. I’m so curious about the Vitamix – I think I’m just going to do it. Like, why not. If I try it and it doesn’t work out, I could always resell it. Maybe I am sold on not upgrading both crowns haha – 350 is the cost of the upgrade and that’s the vitamix right there.

I am going to try my hand at negotiating my salary. I’m worried that a couple of things will happen – 1 ) it won’t work 2) it won’t work and they will secretly start sourcing my replacement.  But you know what, self, if that happens, it might be the world doing you a favor….scary as it is to accept that.

I so easily become a creature of habit. About everything —about my job, about the things I do. I was reading about how to meet a boyfriend offline and it said to change up your habits since if you never leave your house you can’t meet anyone. This is true. I am actually going to head down to Odunde after my yoga shift, even though I would just rather go home and relax. I am such a home body, at least in this heat. And when it’s cold, I’ll say at least in this cold.

I can afford to take a risk and get this Vitamix. Let’s just see what happens.

Coding class is coming along slowly but surely. There is something that creates just a BIT more accountability when you have to pay for it. I don’t know why.

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Root canal

Well, I am not thrilled about it – the dentist said I need a root canal. I could feel sorry about it but instead I am trying to focus on the fact that I can afford this treatment. I do, of course, worry a bit. Like how can I prevent this from happening. It’s okay. I am going to look for a part time job – temporary, contract – so that I can easily replenish my savings.

 

I hope that is easy enough. It will be easy enough. Self, this is going to be okay. Try not to worry.

My training on Code School is off to a good start. I’m going to ask Blanket for details so that I can immediately get to work!

 

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