Monthly Archives: April 2015


I found a really cool guided meditation by Beautiful Chorus. I downloaded it and sent a copy of something similar to a friend as a gift. For some reason, I don’t know why, the song Infinite Universe made me bust out crying. I’m pretty sure it’s the lyrics. I’m actually tearing up right now just thinking about it. Maybe because it’s true. And I’m putting my energy into weird places. I was reading on Quora, as I always do, about work and such. And for some reason I just feel a strong truth that a mistake folks make in their career is showing their employer loyalty.

Perhaps that is the mistake that I’ve made….is thinking that someone else will keep my best interests in mind. It’s almost a fallacy. I’m not sure. Maybe we fail kids in a way when we put teachers in charge of their lives who do everything to advocate for their students. When/where do kids learn to advocate for themselves? I’m seeing with my friends and with my own life, that adults have to advocate HARD to get what they need. And if it’s money folks are quick to try to detract from that need—and to try to tell you to be satisfied with less.

I was scanning the internet today – just learning about different organizations and so on. And, in a way, I know I have been limiting myself to things that I know. There are just SO many things to be a part of out there. I suppose that’s why I say trying to be loyal is a critical mistake.  . . if I’m ready for a growth opportunity, I need to seize it – whether it is within my current company or not. Waiting around for them to be ready to “give” me a growth opportunity is very, very silly.

I am going to add false burden of loyalty to my list of costumed expressions of fear.

Self, don’t be afraid. I can’t promise perfection, but I can promise that you will not be broken.

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What I realize

Fear comes in many forms – procrastination, indecisiveness, and ignorance being chief for me.

I can only say for so long “I don’t know how to transition to a career in tech.” or “I don’t know if I’ll like it.” This prevents me from actually having to take concrete steps to do something. It also prevents me from failing because I won’t even try.

I need to lean on my experience losing weight. I just started doing it. I just started walking. I felt like and understood that I needed to do something to make progress.  . . it didn’t matter how many times I had to change doing what I was doing. Even now, as far as trying to lose more weight – I’m not serious about it – but because I had this success in the past – I know that I have to have a laser like focus on the goal.

Apathy really gets in the way of success. It’s strange that I have undermined my own success by using apathy…. it’s also one of the tools of fear. If I don’t care enough to do something, then it doesn’t matter –and if I fail it has little to do with  me and my skills – and more because I didn’t have that drive about it.

I’m realizing that I need to divorce self worth from failures and  perhaps even from successes, too. Maybe self worth is actually just a given. If you breathe, you have worth – because you exist.

I’m growing more and more curious about making this transition to tech. There’s lots of hacker schools. I keep finding more and more of them, and I’m sure there’s an exact right fit for me. But as I think about taking the plunge, there are so many voices and things telling me why I shouldn’t do this. “You might not like it.” It’s just indecision. I don’t have to like it forever, and if I find that I don’t like it–I can move on to the next thing.

When I was in the shower, I thought “damn, if I could only find someone to invest money in me.” And the statement became very deep because I am trying to find someone else to invest in me because I am too fearful to invest in myself. I have money for the down-payment (2,000) , I could definitely participate in Hack Reactor Remote or something like that on their deferral program. But I’m acting scared instead.

I read the profiles on the website of the students and instead of feeling inspired felt intimidated and like I don’t belong. Self, that’s all bullshit. You’re defeating yourself before you even try. I think it’s time to try. Where can I find the time to try? I think I would feel more confident if I had a little over a year’s worth of living expenses. I’ve already figured that I could save a ton of money by – should I choose to do the program – renting a room from someone. I would definitely be able to afford living for the next 6 months in a very cheap manner without working. That gives me 3 months to complete the program and 3 months to find a job. It’s absolutely terrifying to even consider and type on this page.

I can sense myself cycling through all of these now. It feels good to just settle back on “this doesn’t have to work forever. you could try something else.”



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I want to spend most of my time today in the yoga studio updating my resume, so this entry will be short.

Reiki II is going well. I shared with the class that I was having trouble keeping up on self sessions, so the teacher passed out a log that I hung up on my calendar – I think it will help me to commit to 20 minutes per night. I really do love the way that Reiki makes me feel.

So curious – I was worried about sharing my job search with my good friend at work because I thought it would make her sad. Turns out, I think she’s forging a job search of her own so we can journey through this together!

I really need to lock in taking a trip to see Blanket. It’s been too long, and she lives really close.

Well, I’m a bit distracted – I really want to update a few things on my resume or linked in.

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A lovely time

I had a really nice time in Phoenix. It was the perfect amount of time. I feel more and better connected with A and K after my trip.

When I returned, naturally, I got a bit sick. That just seems to happen when I travel. But this time, I felt more inclined to push through it. Even though I had a sore throat, I took a couple of pain pills and went on about my day because I didn’t want to lose the rest of my vacation.

I tend to baby myself a lot, which I think is great, but I also liked the idea of pushing myself to get out of bed when I didn’t feel 100%.

I submitted my CFP application, so it’s going to be about 6 weeks of wait time. I feel pretty resolved to the idea of searching for a new job. Strangely, I find comfort in the idea of change.  This week in Reiki II there was so much knowledge dropped. People are constantly dropping knowledge and wisdom and I love it when I’m quiet enough to pick it up.

I received information that I needed to about work. Work is work. It’s actually just a small fragment of what and who a person is. I understand much more what the social worker at the elementary school was talking about when she said people can lose themselves in this work and then become resentful. When you work for a mission driven organization, it’s amazing, but it also seems like it has the tendency to burn people at both ends without careful diligence.

What really is the most important thing in the world? Is self-preservation not the most important thing in the world? It’s not selfish.

My classmates at Reiki showed me some knowledge with two quotes. In speaking about her husband, a woman was trying to recall a job he once had. And she struggled to remember and shrugged it off like “meh, yeah….more importantly….” and then proceeded to tell her story. Another woman, after saying that she loved food and could talk about food all night, was asked if food was her work. She said “no, it’s my passion, so I try to spend as little time as possible working so that I can spend my time doing that.” Kind of mind boggling. I keep reading information that says the old “make your passion your work” is tripe.

I’m starting to believe that it is garbage. If something is your passion, it seems, you would do out out of love. Rather than for money. And if you do something out of love, it seems, you would accept more bullshit and less money to do it because you enjoy it. I guess this goes back to my other question of working for money. Maybe it’s okay. Maybe it’s okay to work for money but to understand there’s no way to work yourself to wealth.

I would not work a job that I hate. I don’t hate the job that I have right now. I actually enjoy it a bit, but it feels like work. Because it is work. And maybe, then, it’s okay to work for money. How else would I get money? The idea of working as little as possible sounds great to me. I think I would be content with a 50k salary, about 10k to spend on medical care, working like 20 hours per week. I would have a lot of time to do a lot of things and be extremely well compensated. I think that’s what I’m looking for – more money so that I can have more time to myself to recreate and spend time with family.

I’m debating on getting a new computer or buying Windows for my current one. I guess one last ditch attempt would be to burn an image of my work computer and try to load that on my personal one. And then, I suppose, it’s worth moving on and just getting a new computer and trying to sell that one.

I suppose I should move on to my work exchange tasks… 🙂

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