Well, after a week of Reiki II things are interesting. I guess at this point it’s been two weeks. My intuition is so sharp right now. It’s amazing to feel this connection. At work, I am noticing that I have a clearer picture of moving parts about office politics. Let’s just say the Queen has lost her crown and her coin purse is emptying.
I am feeling a renewed sense of standing up for myself and caring less about things that I never intended to care so much about in the first place. As I was typing this, I corrected “never should” to “never intended to” because never should sounded harsh. I wonder if “never intended to” would be an accurate replacement for many things should. Let’s see.
Yes, it does work. For example, when I think about what a friend says regarding her weight gain she always says “I’m disgusted that this happened. I never should have let myself get to be this big.” It’s better, more forgiving to say “I never intended to let myself get to be this big.” It’s softer. Now, let me think about myself. It’s hard. It’s hard for me to think of things that I tell myself I shouldn’t do, aside from care too much about what other people think.
I had an interesting conversation with JS regarding just that. It started by my asking why I couldn’t tell if my date liked me. He said because I overthink everything and I’m the most analytical person he’s ever met. I laughed. Soon we were talking about my attraction to thug types. It’s sort of a hypothetical attraction that I’m not sure I would act on. But I notice that I put a little pep in my step if I am walking past a crowd on a stoop. He said that it makes sense to him because the thug type appeals to my inner bad girl that is constantly raging against the good girl. And that a thug type could give me a thrill, and I wouldn’t be in control with them.
We then discussed that I don’t like to be caught off guard. This weekend a woman shared her struggles as a black female leader – that she, too, never wants to be caught off guard. She wants to always be prepared since people tend to think things of her leadership already that she tries to overcome. Yep…I get it. JS didn’t really understand – or at least it was less a concern for him – to care if people thought he looked unprepared or stupid. That’s just a hair pin trigger for me. I cannot look dumb. After exploring it a bit more, I realized that this is likely because my intellect is the only thing that people have consistently told me that I have going for me. So any affront to that is an affront to my self worth.
JS related to this a bit more, explaining that he felt this way about the way that women complimented him on his body – it’s been growth and therapy that have allowed him to understand that too much of his worth was wrapped up in and contingent upon validation from other people.
It’s unique because I would say that I have a little bit more confidence in body image than in other facets of my identity. Maybe because nobody has ever affirmed those.
I just wrote an interesting email to a friend divulging some reflections on my weight loss journey. For some reason, I really don’t know why, it got me to thinking about my 8th grade history teacher that I couldn’t stand at all. I feel really compelled to write him an angry letter. I just need to remember his first name.