Monthly Archives: March 2015

Not a regular day

At the yoga studio. Instead of quiet writing there’s a bustling birthday party.

I reactivated my OkC profile, begrudgingly. It’s got little going on there.

This birthday party has me distracted a bit. As does my CFP application. Wow. I keep wondering. What happens if I get offered this position? I think maybe it gives me a set of skills I never imagined happening before. As I look on websites of people who hold different coding jobs, the women / women of color that I do see tend to be in UX or UR, aren’t exactly coders. I wonder why that is. I mean, even myself, I feel kind of like drawn to it.

This party is so loud right now. In between a cow bell ringing and a crying baby. LOL. I think I might try a coding exercise. Just to see.

I watched Empire this weekend – quite an interesting show. I feel kind of competitive, too. Strangely. All right, well, I’m not in the space for journaling right now.

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If it doesn’t click move on….

Why does it seem to be that failure is something to be ashamed of? Failure either in personal relationships, business relations, or otherwise.

I was giving advice to a friend on searching or a therapist. And I said – what I think – are some pretty old yet pretty profound words. Give it a go, and if it doesn’t click, move on. Don’t just be wallowing in something that doesn’t work because you’ve invested time in it. I actually told her that I didn’t think of it as being a big huge failure. But you know, maybe it is a failure, and the failure is okay.

How did I become so afraid of failing at something? As a child, children are so amazing.¬† Yeah, I just have to interject with how amazing kids are. Anyways, as a child, learning a new sport, learning how to ride a bike. All of these things came with failures and I just powered through them. Collectively, as a people, we just powered through them. But what happened along the way that failure became something that must be avoided, it became something divorced from the learning process? Can you learn how to do something new without failure? If you don’t fail, doesn’t that¬† mean that you already knew how to do what it is that you knew how to do? And thus you didn’t learn anything….you were just practicing it?

Things can become automatic. And, surely, once something is automated I wouldn’t expect to fail at it. But during the actual skill development phase – it only makes sense to fail and to fail multiple times.

Oh dear self, it seems that you are developing skills in the area of choosing a partner. You are developing skills in the area of choosing a fulfilling career and a diet that works for you.

I feel pulled. I like the people that I work with but I am not happy with my compensation. I suppose I feel indifferent about the job duties themselves. What excites me most is when I can convert someone to my way of thinking. I have noticed that I’ve enjoyed this in many different positions, whether it’s sales, whether it’s in my personal life. Having someone stubborn and determined say “Hmm. I guess you are right.” I like interviewing people and studying people. And reading between the lines. Actually – lately – probably because I haven’t been doing much of it, I wonder if I can still say that I enjoy interviewing people. I like strategizing. I think more than interviewing people, I like listening to people and making connections. Do I like creating things? Well, maybe. I like creating ideas. Executing ideas is really, really hard. We don’t teach kids how to do that enough, or at least I wasn’t taught how to do that well enough. But, I can’t blame my teachers. I can only start trying to create things now.


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Memory jar

I have been doing some much needed cleaning and organizing and I happened upon my memory jar from 2013. It was really neat – several times a week (sometimes daily when I was on top of things), I would write good things that happened. I read though them last night and really enjoyed it. I feel inspired to do that again for 2015.

I am pretty committed to visiting A and K at the tail end of this month for Spring Break. I’m really looking forward to it – hopefully this time I won’t get a cactus stuck in my leg. I kind of forgot about that. Damn, that was rough.

I am debating on what to do as far as this dating situation goes. I think I’ve lost excitement about her since she was acting wishy washy. I was talking to J earlier – basically saying that sometimes my mind just sets someone on a path – for romance, let’s say, despite the fact that it won’t be a good match.

Ah it’s odd. So odd. I’m distracted to the max. Brain thinking thinking thinking.

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Well, after a week of Reiki II things are interesting. I guess at this point it’s been two weeks. My intuition is so sharp right now. It’s amazing to feel this connection. At work, I am noticing that I have a clearer picture of moving parts about office politics. Let’s just say the Queen has lost her crown and her coin purse is emptying.

I am feeling a renewed sense of standing up for myself and caring less about things that I never intended to care so much about in the first place. As I was typing this, I corrected “never should” to “never intended to” because never should sounded harsh. I wonder if “never intended to” would be an accurate replacement for many things should. Let’s see.

Yes, it does work. For example, when I think about what a friend says regarding her weight gain she always says “I’m disgusted that this happened. I never should have let myself get to be this big.” It’s better, more forgiving to say “I never intended to let myself get to be this big.” It’s softer. Now, let me think about myself. It’s hard. It’s hard for me to think of things that I tell myself I shouldn’t do, aside from care too much about what other people think.

I had an interesting conversation with JS regarding just that. It started by my asking why I couldn’t tell if my date liked me. He said because I overthink everything and I’m the most analytical person he’s ever met. I laughed. Soon we were talking about my attraction to thug types. It’s sort of a hypothetical attraction that I’m not sure I would act on. But I notice that I put a little pep in my step if I am walking past a crowd on a stoop. He said that it makes sense to him because the thug type appeals to my inner bad girl that is constantly raging against the good girl. And that a thug type could give me a thrill, and I wouldn’t be in control with them.

We then discussed that I don’t like to be caught off guard. This weekend a woman shared her struggles as a black female leader – that she, too, never wants to be caught off guard. She wants to always be prepared since people tend to think things of her leadership already that she tries to overcome. Yep…I get it. JS didn’t really understand – or at least it was less a concern for him – to care if people thought he looked unprepared or stupid. That’s just a hair pin trigger for me. I cannot look dumb. After exploring it a bit more, I realized that this is likely because my intellect is the only thing that people have consistently told me that I have going for me. So any affront to that is an affront to my self worth.

JS related to this a bit more, explaining that he felt this way about the way that women complimented him on his body – it’s been growth and therapy that have allowed him to understand that too much of his worth was wrapped up in and contingent upon validation from other people.

It’s unique because I would say that I have a little bit more confidence in body image than in other facets of my identity. Maybe because nobody has ever affirmed those.

I just wrote an interesting email to a friend divulging some reflections on my weight loss journey. For some reason, I really don’t know why, it got me to thinking about my 8th grade history teacher that I couldn’t stand at all. I feel really compelled to write him an angry letter. I just need to remember his first name.

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