I started Reiki 2 last Thursday and I very much enjoyed it. It was amazing…it’s interesting. I ran into one of the girls that I see at the yoga studio often. She’s like interning, in a way, at the reiki studio. What I liked about her was that she felt strong. There’s a couple ladies in the class that I don’t know how to feel about. They took Reiki I together and seemed a bit cliquish. But – even though I had a great experience with my classmates as far as Reiki I went, I know that I can still learn a lot in Reiki II because we basically have 2 teachers (Leigh and Michael).
I’m a bit distracted today. I think I am just distracted. Which is okay. I’m thinking a lot about work – I’m not sure what to do about work.
Well, tonight is interesting. It’s my first night at A’s house since we started seeing each other. I am so nervous and so excited all at the same time. It’s a pleasant feeling. I surprised myself (and her) by suggesting that we hang out for a night in last week. I just have this thing, which I suppose is really a fear, that when you do home dates you’re “not trying” and once “not trying” starts, there goes romance. But she’s quite romantic – and really enjoys intimacy – which is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I’m preoccupied with avoiding doing something to hurt her feelings, which in reality, is a preoccupation for avoiding hurting my own feelings.
I think I want to see her express more humor. More banter. Or maybe I’m just searching for reasons for why I shouldn’t allow myself to become somewhat attached to her. Who knows what I am doing?
I have started to attend Pilates classes with my friend from work. It’s really great to have an accountability partner like that! I can notice some subtle changes between physical therapy and Pilates. I am more aware of my body in space.
For some reason I just remembered Scarlett takes a tumble and have been watching that for a few minutes. Ah man, it feels good to laugh.
I’m debating on whether or not to apply to Code for Progress. I think ultimately I am just really scared about getting accepted. The program is competitive so I know rejection is a definite possibility. I just wonder about being accepted. About leaving my current job. I guess I just have to calculate, to see what happens. I would have to get creative – I think that’s quite possible – putting things in storage. I think that they would actually be able to make things work financially so that I wouldn’t have to worry about stuff.
It’s silly but I have to admit to myself. I worry a bit that if I learn computer programming I won’t be as active anymore and I’ll get fat again. I have to work through seeing that as irrational. I wonder if I would interact with people enough. Or if I would feel like I am in a silo. Maybe I’ll google to see what it feels like. I wonder if Code for Progress could lead me to UX and that sort of thing.
I just think it could be really neat. I would love to be able to save people time and to provide people with a tool to help to empower themselves.
Well, after what I think was a small setback with my knee, I am feeling like it’s pretty strong. I still have been avoiding flexion and anything that might trigger a subluxation, but I can feel a difference in terms of strength. I notice that I can bring my knee in closer to my chest — thus indicating a stronger core and stronger hip muscles. Naturally I wish a little bit that I had some sort of objective measure that I could see just how much more improved I am.
I treated myself to a lot of things this weekend: lush, eating out, a couple things at Target. It felt good. I have on my vision board: extravagant pampering. And in my mind, I see there being a difference between extravagant and reckless.
I went out yesterday with Sam. It was interesting – I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Sam’s the guy who I went on a couple of dates with only to have him tell me he only wanted to be my friend. It’s interesting because now he is still seeing someone – a new woman – very interesting. I think enough time has passed that I care less – it’s good.
I’m at a place where I can pose and ponder an interesting question: why does it feel like an insult to be told that someone wants to be “just” your friend? Maybe it’s the word just that implies that isn’t the greatest…that there is much more than someone should do.
I guess it took me a second to understand that I’m still the same person – even if Sam doesn’t like me “like that.” I’m actually still attractive. No fewer amount of people are noticing me. I’m still myself.
So, I had a date for my birthday. I wasn’t expecting it or planning on it. But she just sort of came out of nowhere. She smells really good. I’m a sucker for a nice cologne. She’s the first person that I’ve kissed in a long time. I sort of forgot that kissing can be fun. I think I’m worried that she will become attached to me. What’s so funny is that in chatting with M, I’m realizing that many of my worries about other people are worries about myself. I’m worried I will become too attached too quickly. It’s so easy to project.
I’m looking forward to Reiki II. I think that it will allow me to collect my thoughts again. Sometimes I wonder about how to combine all my interests: Reiki, Yoga, Supernatural, Storytelling, Crime, People, Education, Biking, Painting/Creating. I think that sums it up. Those are my interests. How do all these things come together?
I started listening to the Serial podcast. It’s fascinating, of course, and I want to get back to it.
Sorry to cut this short, my journal.