Well, that funny thing that happens to my knee sometimes happened at yoga. It was a bit embarrassing because the instructor had to help me stand and it shifted back into place. What was normal to me seemed kind of horrifying to her. But horrifying makes it seem like she was judgmental – she wasn’t – just concerned. Concerned enough that I decided it’s time to make an appointment with the sports medicine doctor.
I have put this off for a while, but I have insurance now and need to take advantage of it. I think that I have just been – and to some degree still am – scared of what she might say. I am quite an active person and don’t want to lose that mobility or freedom of mobility. However, I’d love to be able to enjoy child’s pose and enjoy some activities more. Maybe it’s fine, maybe now is the perfect time for me to take care of this because medicine has advanced to a degree where I’ll be able to live comfortably for the next 30 years, and then in 30 years, get some different type of treatment that will give me another 30 years of mobility.
I went to a pole fitness class – it was not so surprisingly really hard. My arms still hurt. It was – hmm – perhaps the word is odd. I went with 2 friends. When the teacher asked who was the most active, they pointed to me. However, they are both much thinner than I am, so when it came to actually doing the activities, they did better than I did. It feels kind of unfair. And I could stay stuck on how unfair it is, or I could start to do some strengthening exercises.
The scale is back out in the hallway again. I put it away for maybe 2-3 weeks, and then out of curiosity pulled it out again. I was pretty good about putting it back after each time of using it, but then, gradually, I felt less and less like putting it back. I feel more comfortable with it out and accessible and ready to use at any time. I do know that not everyone weighs themselves multiple times per day. I also think I might need to limit myself a bit about that. Like – in the morning and that’s it. Like – one time in the morning – and no more for the rest of the day. or, if I just can’t seem to help it, to weigh as frequently as I like but not offer commentary on the figure that displays. I found a journal where I was recording my weight, and I noticed that I had gained about 10-15 pounds (depending on the day) in a year. This seems high to me. I know that the reason I weigh myself so much is because I am terrified to become heavy again. And I can see just how easy it is to do that. Just by gaining 10 lbs in a year – it makes me think – what if I wasn’t so diligent about 10 lbs, then I could have regained 30 pounds, etc.
This morning I was 194. This is 9 pounds more than my lightest of 185 but 5 pounds less than what I have been maintaining for the past several months. I don’t know why number would make me happy. I seem fixated on being in the 160s. I think that would be just perfect.
Nutrition has been – different – I have not been using my fitness pal or counting my calories at all. For the past several months, the only thing I have been attentive to is my sugar intake. There have been a couple binges in there – namely seems to coincide with the time of my period. I have allowed myself to go out to eat a number of times and order whatever I want. I even indulged in some sweets. As much as I love sweets, I am starting to notice that they make me tired and sometimes they taste nasty. I have been more active with my fitbit lately – I think the competitions help some. It’s fun. I’m going to look into the flyfit to see how that’s working out. I think I would enjoy being able to track things on my bike, too.