Monthly Archives: October 2014


Well, that funny thing that happens to my knee sometimes happened at yoga. It was a bit embarrassing because the instructor had to help me stand and it shifted back into place. What was normal to me seemed kind of horrifying to her. But horrifying makes it seem like she was judgmental – she wasn’t – just concerned. Concerned enough that I decided it’s time to make an appointment with the sports medicine doctor.

I have put this off for a while, but I have insurance now and need to take advantage of it. I think that I have just been – and to some degree still am – scared of what she might say. I am quite an active person and don’t want to lose that mobility or freedom of mobility. However, I’d love to be able to enjoy child’s pose and enjoy some activities more. Maybe it’s fine, maybe now is the perfect time for me to take care of this because medicine has advanced to a degree where I’ll be able to live comfortably for the next 30 years, and then in 30 years, get some different type of treatment that will give me another 30 years of mobility.

I went to a pole fitness class – it was not so surprisingly really hard. My arms still hurt. It was – hmm – perhaps the word is odd. I went with 2 friends. When the teacher asked who was the most active, they pointed to me. However, they are both much thinner than I am, so when it came to actually doing the activities, they did better than I did. It feels kind of unfair. And I could stay stuck on how unfair it is, or I could start to do some strengthening exercises.

The scale is back out in the hallway again. I put it away for maybe 2-3 weeks, and then out of curiosity pulled it out again. I was pretty good about putting it back after each time of using it, but then, gradually, I felt less and less like putting it back. I feel more comfortable with it out and accessible and ready to use at any time. I do know that not everyone weighs themselves multiple times per day. I also think I might need to limit myself a bit about that. Like – in the morning and that’s it. Like – one time in the morning – and no more for the rest of the day. or, if I just can’t seem to help it, to weigh as frequently as I like but not offer commentary on the figure that displays. I found a journal where I was recording my weight, and I noticed that I had gained about 10-15 pounds (depending on the day) in a year.  This seems high to me. I know that the reason I weigh myself so much is because I am terrified to become heavy again. And I can see just how easy it is to do that. Just by gaining 10 lbs in a year – it makes me think – what if I wasn’t so diligent about 10 lbs, then I could have regained 30 pounds, etc.

This morning I was 194. This is 9 pounds more than my lightest of 185 but 5 pounds less than what I have been maintaining for the past several months. I don’t know why number would make me happy. I seem fixated on being in the 160s. I think that would be just perfect.

Nutrition has been – different – I have not been using my fitness pal or counting my calories at all. For the past several months, the only thing I have been attentive to is my sugar intake. There have been a couple binges in there – namely seems to coincide with the time of my period. I have allowed myself to go out to eat a number of times and order whatever I want. I even indulged in some sweets. As much as I love sweets, I am starting to notice that they make me tired and sometimes they taste nasty. I have been more active with my fitbit lately – I think the competitions help some. It’s fun. I’m going to look into the flyfit to see how that’s working out. I think I would enjoy being able to track things on my bike, too.


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Strengths over time

Version 25.0

1 Learner
2 Intellection
3 Achiever
4 Input
5 Restorative


Version 28.0


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October 19, 2014 · 3:17 pm


I had a great time visiting home. My team mate at work, after I shared with her my plans for vacation, said “that sounds like a lovely homecoming for you.” And it was. It was absolutely amazing. The amount of time at home was just right. The people I saw were just right. The things were did were just right. It’s strange that just right is the same thing as perfect. Perfect sounds a little arrogant, but just right sounds grounded.

I met with my teacher – but now, these days – I think of her as a friend. She’s a beautiful person that sees humanity in everyone. A very spiritual person who is able to be an agent of God in the most legitimate way. She had some messages to deliver to me. Though, she’d correct me to say that God had some messages to deliver to me through her. I’m happy either way…maybe it’s semantics. I mean we all are god anyways.

Sometimes, when someone knows your heart, it is overwhelming. You wonder how someone is able to know and say things that you have never said to anyone. It’s enchanting but also takes my breath away sometimes. Then, the next thing I know I am crying. It all happens so fast in the moment – the processing speed is so fast. It makes me question the concept of time.  No sooner do I write the words than I think the thoughts. And once the thoughts exist they are accessible to —anyone? to just god? But if god is everyone then they are accessible to everyone. There’s so much knowledge in the universe, it’s amazing.

So, the messages. She shared with me that God wants me to find comfort in my life and spend more time enjoying stillness. And I realized that stillness does not have to mean being physically still – I’m sure that helps, but really it’s just about having stillness of mind. Quieting the worry about every which thing. Quieting the commentary. We also talked about finding a special mate. At first I was a little sheepish, like “Ohmigosh! I’m talking about boyfriends or girlfriends with my teacher.” But then something told me – it’s no secret, we all want companionship. And you’re talking about deeply profound love with your friend…so it’s fine. And it was fine.

She told me to be precise in what I ask God for because the clarity helps and will always deliver. So, I have been thinking – organizing and reorganizing my life to be inviting to someone special. One of the more fascinating things I did for myself was completely reorganize my room. My room is small for a queen sized bed. Not impossible, just small. For a while I slept with tons of things in the bed with me, books, stuffed animals, etc. I pressed the bed close to one side of the room so that I could maximize space for Paul’s wheelchair. But it stayed like that, every day, even though he rarely stayed with me. And after we broke up, even after we were no longer dating. I’m not sure how I understood all of a sudden that – I needed to create an intention that someone would be joining me in this bed. I got some fun new sheets, moved it to make it accessible from both sides, and keep the free side — free. Nobody is going to want to lay on top of books or my stuffed animals.

I also have been rearranging my space to work better for me. I knew that a small 1.5 bedroom apartment was plenty, actually quite abundant space for a single person. I struggled though, to see how it could work for me. I don’t know how – exactly – but my mind has been revealing these things to me. I feel able to spend more time in each of my unique spaces of my home. The living room, the kitchen, the bed room, the laundry room. Part of this was paying attention to my own habits. I noticed that I did not like to sit on my couch and work – I would rather sit at my kitchen table and work.  Then, I decided to move my couch to face South. Magically, I can sit on the couch and work for hours because it doesn’t face my busy kitchen. Instead, it faces a quiet wall.

I reorganized my laundry room and I’m getting rid of clothes and items that I don’t use. Things are in motion.

I met someone special. There’s really no other word to describe him. I’m curious to see how things morph and what they morph into. The universe is really amazing, because had I of met him as recently as a few weeks ago, I think I would have sabotaged things. Now, I’m ready to talk.

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Nobody know this exists

And I think I might just share it with you.

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October 19, 2014 · 2:33 pm