Monthly Archives: September 2014

unequivocally nasty

After yoga, I find that if I listen to myself – if I’m quiet enough and focus enough – I can understand and hear what I am craving. After Reiki, I love a chocolate chip cookie. Or, at least I did a few months ago. After yoga, it’s similar – I tend to want something but it isn’t so apparent to me what it is.

A few weeks ago, it was super bowl inspired dip. It absolutely hit the spot. Yesterday, I thought it to be banana nut crunch cereal. I just LOVE banana nut crunch cereal; it’s been my favorite for a very long time. I didn’t want to want it though, because it has as much sugar as a treat. However, I told myself “It’s fine – you can have it – just know you’re having it as a treat after dinner and not a meal.” So, I walked up to the fresh grocer and got it. I also thought I might want some cookies. Whereas I wrinkled my nose up about them at home, when I saw them in the store and saw they were on sale it was hard to resist.

I got home and warmed them up in the microwave and dipped them in almond milk. The first two tasted OK — in the beginning. I wasn’t sure how many I planned to eat, but after about 4 (it really felt like two servings though because of how I was eating them), I noticed they tasted funny – oily, like. It left a very weird texture on the roof of my mouth that I found absolutely disgusting. I threw the rest of them in the trash. I looked at the label to see what was in there (interestingly enough I didn’t do this when I bought them), I noticed they had partially hydrogenated oils (trans fat). Could it be that this is what I was tasting?

Feeling less than satisfied, I moved on to the banana nut crunch. It wasn’t nearly as good as I remembered it to be. It tasted bland and like plastic. Maybe it’s the almond milk I used. Or maybe, just maybe, I had an experience this week of eating real foods for the first time. I made excellent nutritional choices this week – eating mostly organic, with the exception of two nights out where I had some appetizers (deliciously fried brussel srpouts, hush puppies, hummus/pita). Every thing else this week was organic foods – and – maybe that changed something.

So I’m left with an interesting question to ponder. If not by my old friends (i.e. foods), how will I comfort myself? It’s kind of scary because my old friends are starting to taste nasty to me. It isn’t just this week, actually, this has been something on-going. My favorite candy in the world used to be reeses peanut butter cups. However, I haven’t bothered to have any in several months because they weren’t fresh. So, I had to find a new favorite candy – this became snickers. Snickers are delicious – or should I say were delicious. The past several times I had snickers it just tasted fake. It wasn’t satisfying, and I even threw some of them away.

I think maybe I’m moving slower. Allowing myself to actually experience the food before devouring it. And when that happens, I realize it’s not much enjoyable at all. So now that snickers and reeses peanut butter cups are gone, I think I’m going back in time. Somehow traveling back in time and discovering my original comfort foods. I remember as a child I lovvvvved pineapple juice; I drank so much of it I gave myself a bladder infection in elementary school. That probably terrified me a bit because I avoided it. I don’t drink store bought juice anymore – but I did purchase my first fresh pineapple last week. It was incredible! I remember my mom telling me that as a baby I loved vegetables. I find myself inching back towards a place where vegetables are my ultimate comfort food. But more than that, I find myself inching further away from food as a source of comfort.

I find myself choosing conversation with others and sharing with others – first. I find myself sharing with myself – first. It’s as though leaning into the experience itself is comforting rather than trying to find a distraction as a source of comfort. Sometimes though it’s too much and I don’t want to lean into it. And I think that’s fine – for now.

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