I’m in my new place. I’ve been here for a little under a month and it feels great. I’ve seen my old roommate a number of times, and she’s even stayed the night here 3-4 times. But I like having my own space. I notice it a lot in the mornings when I have quiet and peace instead of her grumbling and groaning about things.
I’m definitely worried about work. I wrote down a quote for myself. It says “This thing called work takes up the best ours of your day, so you need to like it more. Feel more connected to it. More money won’t do, it has to be the time.” There’s a feeling, it’s not quite that I’ve made a mistake. But I feel as though I’ve settled.
I started reading a blog called “Live in The Gray.” (or maybe they spell it grey). I found it because I was visiting the Facebook page of an organization that I’m thinking about working with. I just don’t know what I want from this life. But when I think long and hard about it – it’s more….I want more purpose. I want to feel as though everything I’m doing is deliberate and not passing time. I have to think really hard about what I want. But this….what I’m doing now…it’s not it. It’s not my dream. The sad thing is that I’m not sure I know what my dream is anymore. As I get older and older, dreams fade. But what remains consistent is that I want my time.
I want time to be with family and friends and funds to travel. That’s about it. I want to help other people. I want to feel competent at work. I want to feel challenged at work. But the thing is – I want to work less. 40 of my best ours per week doing something that I sometimes don’t even like is too much.
But what is it about this job that I don’t like? I think it’s the pressure and stress. I think it might be my manager’s manager. Life feels different when she isn’t around. But she’s a nice person just hard to work with.
I need to imagine what I would be doing with my time if I didn’t have to worry about money. What would my ideal day look like. And I think my ideal day would look like vacation – where I don’t have too much to do on any particular day at any particular time. Where my days are busy and filled but I’m left excited for the next day. I want work to fit around my LIFE – not the other way around. I want to do me and then choose to work when I’m done enjoying myself for the rest of the day. I think I’d like to work about 4 hours per day – 2 hours in the morning and then 2 hours at night. Maybe something like working from 8:30-10:30. Enjoying my day. And then working from 4:00-6:00. Or somewhere about that. I really don’t enjoy having to work for 8 straight hours per day.
What was so different when I worked with the startup? I really don’t know. I was working long hours. Sometimes I did stay glued to my computer. And I was making less money but felt more satisfied. How is this possible?
I need to reflect more. I need to get in touch with myself and answer these difficult questions. What would leave me feeling satisfied? What truly is living the dream for me? And I need to focus on that.