Monthly Archives: November 2013

Friday

I’m happy it’s Friday. This week was a long week. I didn’t have much energy as work is really stressing me out. Or maybe it’s DST and the fact that it’s often dark outside. I’m so sensitive to a lack of sunlight.

I deleted my ex boyfriend’s number from my phone today. I’m done. I’m over it.

Weird. Very, very weird. As I typed the above sentence my phone lights up with an alert. It’s him. He hasn’t contacted me in days. It’s just bizarre. This also happened the last time I deleted him from my phone. The very next instant I hear from him. Well, self, it’s time. I have to be over it. I have to just let it be what it is. He doesn’t like me anymore – because if he did he would put in a much better effort.

Moving along, my Brazilian student is here. Sadly he’s married. Drat! I really thought I might have a fairy tale romance for the books. I suppose he might have a cousin or a friend or a brother or a someone. I do need to remain focused on my job search though. I’m on such pins and needles waiting until the 15h. Another 2 weeks and I’ll know if this opportunity is close to being mine.

I haven’t heard much from the two other employers that I was interviewing with. I’m okay with this because I likely wouldn’t accept an offer at this point.

I haven’t painted in a very long time. I’ve forgotten about my jar of positive notes. I remember having such high hopes for 2013 of things to do. Time moves so rapidly that before you know it, it’s gone.

My mom text me on Wednesday at the end of the day reminding me that it was the 7 year anniversary of my father’s passing. I was like mom. Do you think I could forget? Of course I remember.

But the thing is though is that nobody else remembers. I probably didn’t deal with it appropriately – haven’t dealt with it appropriately because I can’t bring it up to anyone. My best friend told me that she was thinking about me all day on Wednesday and couldn’t stop talking about me, I just kept coming up. I wasn’t going to remind her that maybe somewhere in her mind she remembered.

I thought really hard – trying to remember – who was the first person that I called? What did I say? I of course remember the exact moment of getting home to the house (I was attending Michigan State at the time and my best friend came and got me so I wouldn’t have to take the bus home). My mom. That’s probably why I care about money so much. I wish I had enough money to help my mom so that she didn’t have to work or stress about being out of work because of her accident.

Sometimes life just isn’t fair. I wonder how things would be different if my dad were still here. It’s so hard to type these words. Because it’s like typing them makes it more real. I still don’t even comprehend what has happened.

It is an impossible feeling to understand not seeing someone for 7 years. And not having been able to say goodbye to them. Sometimes I think I still delude myself into being in denial about it. It’s easier to imagine that you’re just estranged from the person and that you could connect at anytime with the right words or effort. I don’t know if that’s healthy or not.

I think that’s why I’ve latched on to exercise. Maybe. Because when you’re exercising it’s hard to think about other things. I find this to be especially true with swimming. I sometimes find it hard to leave my place and find it a chore to ride my bike the 5 minutes to get to the pool – but once I dive in – I’ve forgotten. I’m just focused.

Oh decisions. How to spend my Friday? The pool is still open but I also have been crying for the last 20 minutes and it shows. I’m home alone which is nice because I don’t think I could deal with my roommate asking me questions. It’s odd though, because I think I would appreciate comfort.

My phone is lighting up again. It could be a friend telling me more about her sister’s engagement or my ex responding to my latest text. One would make me disappointed.  He just can’t be –or doesn’t want to be–what I need.

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