I have been on a journey. Losing weight is definitely a journey. These days, I like to reflect on my progress and chat with my friends about how it is going. I remember being so secretive in the past about my weight. I would never tell anyone how much I weighed. I attached such value to the number. I think it held a reality of being extremely obese. Even when I was in college and consistently going to the gym, trying hard to lose weight and be inspired, I was hesitant to ever share a weight. I thought it would somehow change people’s perception of me. It would allow them to be able to say “oh, now I think you’re really fat.”
This week has marked a special time for me. For the first time in my adult life, I weigh under 200lbs. Today, that precise number is 196. But instead of enjoying it, I’ve allowed myself to be critical about it…wondering if the weight loss is simply water weight that will suddenly reappear.
Back in 2010 at my heaviest, I bought p90x. I filled in the ‘measurements’ page
March/April of 2010
My hat is off to anyone who completes this program. As you can see, the “after Day 90” column is blank. I’ve tried to complete this program multiple times. The best I did was 45 days. 90 days of working out nearly every day for an hour…..really an amazing feat. I am doubly impressed with anyone who begins this program – and finishes it- who is extremely overweight. I found myself incredibly frustrated because I couldn’t do a majority of the exercises in the program and there weren’t a lot of modifications.
Thankfully, I did find something that worked for me, and I’ve made a lot of progress toward my goals.
I’m okay with these numbers. I need to be content with them. I need to be nicer to myself.
Looking back on these numbers makes me proud of where I am. But, after a moment passes, I begin comparing myself to other people and thinking my weight loss isn’t good enough. It’s not fast enough. It isn’t really all that impressive. But that attitude won’t help me at all. I need to just be satisfied with where I am. Self, you’ve done an amazing job. Just accept it. People don’t do this. People don’t lose nearly 80 pounds without a single supplement or medical intervention. Your mind is so strong – your power so great. Stop underestimating yourself.
So I’m here. In front of my computer screen – after a long hiatus. It was incredibly interesting…as per my usual interests, I decided to browse my old blog a couple days ago. The entries are from many years ago, some teetering on 10 years. It’s amazing how much I’ve changed and how much I’ve stayed very much the same. The part I loved the most was that my last entry was August 26, 2009. I wrote about their being obnoxious fruit flies in my apartment. It’s deep, you see.
August 26, 2013, I am still fanning fruit flies. How could this be so? 4 years and a 500 mile move later. It is just so, I suppose.
I shared a few of my old journal entries with my love interest. I still think of him as my boyfriend even though I panicked last week and told him I couldn’t do “this.” After a lot of thinking (and some tough love from a male friend), I realize that I acted like a rash brat – unable to be bothered with something unless it was exactly my way. I wonder if he already came to that conclusion. I wonder if he will be impressed with my new found self-awareness.
In some ways I’m scared that he’s going to reject my olive branch and my apology for being irrational. I’m going to do it anyway, though. As my friend said, it is a win-win for me at this point – either in moving on with boyfriend or with moving on without him knowing I did my best and that I tried.
My new roommate and I have had a good couple of weeks together. You’re talking to someone who has lived alone since 2008. I’m rather enjoying it. She’s convinced me to try a new diet. It’s not “new” to anyone but me, though. It’s essentially the Atkins diet. So far, I am pleased with the results. I’m losing .6-1.0 pounds per day and feeling pretty decent. I can’t believe I started weight by eating fats. It’s completely counter-intuitive.
In the next two weeks, I plan to archive all of my old journals as well as the text from my Reiki journal. I started a handwritten journal because there’s something about penning from your fingertips that is therapeutic. However, I love to go back and reread and reflect and re-analyze everything…and perhaps it was the cheap pen that I used, but the ink in my journal is starting to bleed. I have to type it to chronicle anything. I don’t want my words lost.