Monthly Archives: December 2008

Today

I don’t feel like doing anything. How am I supposed to go back to NY and feel like I have a life there when I don’t? My mother asked me if I was excited to go back to NY and get home. I mumbled something about how I wanted to put some more decorations up because it doesn’t really feel like home. And the worst part yet is that I know no matter what I buy, no matter how much money I spend, I don’t think I’ll be able to make my apartment a home. It’s a place that I sleep. Wake. Work. Sleep. Wake. Work. Sleep. How can I possibly be excited to get back to that? It’s nothing. I can barely do anything without bursting into tears. I am not much of a praying person but all I can do is look to the sky and ask for strength. It sickens me and makes me really angry that I allowed you to become such an integral part of my life. And now I’m just discarded like a piece of trash. I feel like my whole life is on hold….wondering when you’ll call me to tell me that you’ve figured it all out. And the thought of that call makes my heart beat faster in anticipation. Yet another part of me wants you to call so that I can say “too bad. too late. fuck you.” Thinking about being with someone else right now literally makes me ill. Why couldn’t you have just agreed that we wouldn’t see other people during this time? If its not about sex then what is it about? If its about working on you and working through your issues, then why can’t it be agreed upon that neither one of us sees anyone? Nothing really makes sense right now. The past few days have felt like an awful dream that I expect myself to wake up from. That you’ll be able, instantly, to treat me the way that I deserve to be treated, to respect my feelings and for fucks sake be empathetic instead of just saying “I’m not empathetic.” That’s such a childish cop out and you know it. I’m going to try to play my nintendo now.

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Day 2

Yesterday I watched a television show with Heather. It made me smile and feel like crying all at the same time. A husband and wife were standing at the foot of the bed, and one made a cheesey comment about “let’s go over the river and through the woods. ” They kissed and the lady said “Wait….do you know what can make this so much better??” The husband kind of pauses. The lady says “I’m going to go cut two piece of pie and bring them up here so we can have it RIGHT after!” The husband laughs and says how thankful he is to be with her.

Today, I went to get a new bra. And yet again it made me smile and feel like crying all at the same time. The bra shop is owned by a couple of little old white ladies. My mom warned me that you have to get topless to get your bra fit. I talked to Heather on the phone about it. We laughed because the lady who fit me reminds us of a teacher that we had in high school named Ms. Gay.

“Heather, I just don’t understand why you have to get topless!”
“Because that’s how they fit you!”
“But she didn’t even use a tape-measure!!”
“OMG Then what did she use!?!?!”
“Her eyes!!! I guess!!”

We died laughing. And I don’t even need to tell you what this reminded me of and why it made me think of you.

I tried to take my mind off you by watching the type of television show that you’d never watch with me….. something on A& E about the supernatural and haunted properties across America. Just when I thought I was okay….beginning to relax, the resident “psychic expert” comes onto the screen, and his name is Peter James. I cried myself into a sleep thinking “Can I just get a break?”

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