I never thought that I would be counting the days until I went back to school. However, I am. This time Saturday morning I’ll be sitting up on my computer at MSU. It is a scary thought considering the many things I have in store for this year. I’m going to be in charge of a floor! It’s like the reality hasn’t yet set in. I have set some new goals for myself this year that I feel are very attainable. Upon reflecting of my freshmen year of college I feel like I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t have all my H.S. friends around. No dobut I was jealous of people who roomed with their friends from H.S. of had classes with them, etc. It just seemed as though everyone had 900000 friends and I didn’t have any. However the reality of the situation is that I’m doing quite fine. I spoke with a casual friend of mine who’s in one of those huge cliques on campus, and I said to the person “Wow,you’re lucky to have 25 best friends.” They responded with “I don’t trust anyone but 3 of them.” Although sometimes it appears as though someone has 3,000 friends, they may only have a handful.I feel right on track now. I think I have exactly three friends back at MSU. Although according to Sherill I “know everyone” I certainly don’t trust everyone or confide in them about anything. Yes. Three friends. Sherill, Katie and Jessica. It’s fantastic though because I know that they’ll be there when school starts up again. It is a very odd feeling to miss a place you spent a lot of time complaining about. But live the 2004-2005 school year on 9Hubbard South and you’ll completely understand.
I am looking foward to a new year and meeting new people and growing as a person, all that wonderful stuff. I have come to realize that I have some negative people in my life that I need to get away from. Why would I consistently want to surround myself with someone who has a problem with me? It’d probably do the both of us the better, don’cha say? There was a lot of drama around here this summer, and I’m really not used to it. I feel there are some people who just want drama in their lives to make it meaningful or something. I, however, can and would much rather do without it. I guess all in all its real easy for the annoying things people do to start to get on your nerves when you see them too much. Or SOME shit. Basically I need to get away from here before I start hating people and perhaps vice versa. I was talking to a friend of mine on the telephone and said “It’s time for me to leave so I can start missing people instead of wanting to avoid them.” I guess its just a case of the “I miss my dorm room blues.” I mean, its like a ghetto ass apartment basically. You come and go as you completely please, you dont have to worry about B.S., nobody can bust in there uninvited, etc. You miss being able to miss things instead of being sick of it. Like for example my family…its kinda nice when I can think and be nostalgic about my parents and/or annoying brother. However, being here, around that shit…NOT cute. August 12 cannot get here fast enough, let me tell you. I’ll be home around Labor Day so hopefully all this garbage thats going on now will be cleared up.
Damn, I mean, what conflicted feelings. I can’t wait to leave because I miss MSU but I know as soon as I’m there, alone, it will be lonely for a while. That is until I can relish in the fact of being A.L.O.N.E. I do enjoy being alone a lot. Usually I like to shop or run errands by myself. I just feel….grown up or something. I remember I used to go to the mall by myself and eat in the food court from the 6th grade to the 9th grade. Then all of a sudden I got on this self-conscious tip that hasn’t yet rid itself from my system. It subsided sorta, until I had a mild panic attack at MSU. I was in the lunchroom eating by myself one day, when out of nowhere it seemed like everyone else was sitting with people, laughing, talking having a good time *WAIT A DAMN MINUTE. I JUST SAID LUNCHROOM. WOW. IM IN MIDDLE SCHOOL MODE!!!* Wow, sorry I had to recover from that. I was in the cafeteria eating alone when it seemed like everyone else was with friends. Then I saw someone eating alone and they just looked so pathethic. Then of course I was like “omg thats how people see me.” And that, ladies and gentleman resulted in many hungry nights. There’s no excuse for it other than I’m stupid.
Tonite is the second (2nd) night in a row I was supposed to start packing. Wow, I have to start right now. I refuse to stay up till 4am on Thursday “night” packing.