Monthly Archives: July 2005

so i was really angry yesterday and decided to bring him to completion. and by “bring him to completion” i mean murder him in cold blood with a knife( possibly a rusty one) and/or a very blunt object that would result in severe head trauma. i had to pretend like i was in love with him and kiss his ass to get him to come out with me. sacrificing my pride for 2 hours would be well worth it all in the end. i convinced him to have a hillside picnic with me. the meal was delicious and i was ready for dessert. because he’s a fool all it took was a bit of flirting and he agreed to let me tie him up and blindfold him.         


i reached into my bag of tricks….


and just as i was about to take my knife and submerge it in the bile of his small intestine…


this thing was running running running and ran into me. i almost didn’t see it and stepped right past it and just went about my business. it was breathing really hard and sort of crying and mumbling and being incoherent. being me i had to figure out what was going on.


“hey, you mind saying excuse me? you just ran into me!”
“terribly sorry; i wasn’t exactly paying attention to where i was going. i was just trying to get away.”


i should have known something was funny about this situation because HE didn’t ask me who i was talking to.


“get away, from what?”
“from id.”
“what do you mean from id?”
“id’s trying to kill me.”
“what do you mean id’s trying to kil you. who is id?”
“well perhaps i should clarify.”
“yes, i believe you should.”
“id’s a close friend of mine, a relative to be exact.”
i looked perplexed.
“we’re triplets.”
“oh thats horrible. your own sister is trying to kill you.”
“brother, but its all the same….”
“i mean….not that its any of my business but…why is your brother trying to kill you?”
“he says i get in the way of things. he said that about suzy too.”
“hmm, who’s suzy?”
“my late sister.”
“oh, thats horrible. im really sorry to hear that.”
“its okay..its id’s fault anyways.”
“how is it id’s fault?”
“i can’t just SAY it…it is a very involved story.”
“i’ve got plenty of time.”


so we sat next to his body in the grass.


it started talking….



“id thinks that he runs everything because he’s the oldest by 5 minutes.”
“i see.”
“but anyways, suzy and id always had a very strained relationship. i tried to mediate between the two of them, but that was never an easy task.”
“wow, i see.”
“do you really?”
“well not exactly, it just seemed like a good thing to say at the time.”
“thats like something id would say.”
“oh thanks for telling me i sound like someone who’s trying to kill you.”
“no, no, don’t get angry. you’ve got it all wrong. i was just saying that id says things like that. he’s very impulsive and all about the moment. im not saying you’re a horrible person because of it.”


“oh, okay. anyways, is there more to this story or…” i wasn’t trying to spend all damn day out here with this thing and with his body. get in and get out was my plan.


“oh, i almost forgot. of course there’s more. suzy and id constantly argued and debated and got angry at one another.”
“but why, you just keep saying that but you never explain why?”


“terribly sorry, i just keep forgetting that you weren’t exactly present during those years. suzy can be very judgmental.


she’s very quick to tell someone how moral what they are doing is. very quick to label something ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. id however, thinks about himself most of the time. if he wants to do something he’ll do it, regardless of the consequences. he’s one who believes in carpe diem and those things. he doesn’t need anyone’s approval or disapproval to act. they just inherrently disagreed and were always around each other…just begging for conflict, you know?”
“yes, i see. but i mean…why be around someone that you don’t get along with?”
“but it is not that simple. it is required for the line of work that we’re in.”
“and what kind of work is that?”



it sort of tensed up and looked like it didn’t want to answer me.



“nevermind, ill just take your word for it.”
“thanks….but yes, i pretty much kept the peace until id had a psychotic break about a year ago.”
“what do you mean by psychotic break?”
“well, id just lost it. he started acting out in all types of ways…only caring about himself and his own satisfaction. screw thinking about consequences and reality. suzy stepped in and told him that the things he was doing were selfish and just….wrong. he didnt like that so much. he started threatening her life and things.”
“thats really bad…”
“yeah, it was. one day while i was gone….i dunno what id said to her, but he scared her so badly. she ended up shooting herself in the face that day.”
“omigodd! im so sorry.”
“its okay, i learned to live life without suzy.”


“you know, i feel really badly listening to your life story and i don’t even know your name….”
“call me e.”


“sure. but i mean, sorry to interrupt like that, continue with your story…”



“its not a problem. but yes, id just likes things to go his way. everyday he tells me that life is so much better without suzy around. its sort of a horrible thing to say, but when you live life like id does its very true.”
“yes, of course…i see. so i guess your brother is trying to get rid of you now as well?”
“this is true…suzy was of course the first to go…she was very very moral; “ms. manners,” and id didn’t appreciate that. i think now he’s tired of me. i tell him plain and simple that some of the things he does are selfish…i mean, im not telling him that he’s a horrible person for being selfish, im just stating the facts. today, however, he wasn’t trying to hear any of that. he sort of attacked me…told me to make myself disappear…thats when i left.”


“wow, i mean…just wow. so i’ve got to figure out what to do with myself. i can’t go back around him or he’ll kill me.”
“have you tried going to the police?? do you live around here? you can file a report with your local precinct.”
“oh, i would, but that is highly improbable.”


“and why is that?”


“there’s no police, no laws, no civics where i reside. i guess you could sort of say that law enforcement/corrections is my occupation.”
“what? where the hell is someplace like THAT….?? it sounds awful.”
“you probably wouldn’t believe me if i told you…its actually nothing but two shakes of a lambs tail from here…”
“well….i mean…i’d like to know so i can avoid going there. it sounds dangerous.”
“thats odd you say that, because avoiding this place is like avoiding yourself.”
“what are you even talking about right now???”
“i live inside you…”
“what? i mean…WHAT? what in the world are you talking about?”
“don’t get angry…you sound like id right now. i told you that you’d never believe me.”
“terribly sorry, but i have to go now. its an emergency.”


and just as quickly as it appeared in my view it disappeared.


i picked up my knife and paused for a moment. thoughts raced through my mind “wow, i could get in trouble for this. i could go to prison. my family could find out and then hate me.”


i thought long and hard, weighing my options.


then i stabbed him. 36 times.


as i was dragging his body down the hill towards the river, i felt some sort of presence behind me.


“hey, do you need some help with that?”
“hey, do you want me to kill you too? get the fuck out of here…”


this thing kept walking towards me, as if it wasn’t scared of my threats…it sort of scared ME. the being walked closer and stared me in my face. instead of being scared, i felt a sort of comfort. when i saw the being up close, i felt this feeling of familiarity….as if i knew it somehow, to some capacity.


“do i know you from somewhere?” i asked.
“of course you do.”


i had this strange feeling inside, as i thought of my converstation with e.
“wait a minute, let me guess….id?”
the being smiled. “where else would you get the balls to do something like that?” he pointed to the now dead body.
we laughed.
“let me carry that for you,” he said.
“thanks,” i replied, “for everything.”

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Once upon a time 000000 ffffff meant something to me. Hex, HTML, CSS, PSP, Photoshop, Smart FTP, Notepad, Flash. Wow, I can’t believe it. I actually knew how to use all that stuff. Well, I’m kidding about Photoshop…and Flash. Flash and photoshop just caused me tears. Of all the things in the world that I miss, I miss webdesign first. It was my thing. I had a website for three years, had a livejournal before that….I’ve just always had my little space on the web. I just have a blog now,and it seems like everyone and their MOTHER is blogging. There was something so special, so amazing about making webpages. Its like painting. Nobody can do it exactly the same way as you can. It was my way of being visually artistic, and I loved it. I don’t know what happened though. It was like I lost time for it or something, said I didn’t have the money for it. Maybe I am just not driven like I used to be. I remember being so determined to make my website look exactly like I wanted it to. Regardless of how long it took, how many people I wanted to ask for help, how many source codes I had t look at. It was such a feeling of accomplishment once I saved that notepad document as “index.htm” I learned a lot about myself over those years of design. I would see people’s websites and see truly amazing artwork and be like “OMG I want that.” For a period of time I spent soooo much energy in trying to make something like someone else or BE someone else or have the audience that someone else had that I was missing out on being me. I caught a clue one day, and just started doing me. It was fantastic; I loved every minute of it. I miss it. Sometimes I think about how carefree I used to be. I didn’t give a dime about what anyone thought about me. I guess thats called self-confidence? Being an adolescent is so tough…because you’re always struggling to fit in and define who you are. I can only sigh. *sigh*. I need a website again.


P.S. Thanks for the feedback on my “poem.” Yall are too kind for calling it that. And to Mr. Man…*sings* “you’re so vein…. I bet you think I’m writing about you….”

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To a Dear Friend Not so Dear and Not a Friend


I thought it would be the end of the world when I stopped talking to you
Because you were so helpful, so thoughtful, so giving, such a gentleman
That is….
When you weren’t busy being a cock, a bitch, a stupid motherfucker
Who treated me like shit and thought he was better than I was.
You thought I was so stupid, so naive, so innocent
To believe you when you said the things that you did.
I didn’t, yet I didn’t care enough
About myself.
I thought it would be the beginning of hell when I cut you out of my life
Because you were so kind, so gentle, so altruistic.
My ass…
You look good on a piece of paper you piece of shit.
You have an impressive resume that deserves to be lit on fire.
You think about “others” but really all you do is think about your gotdamn self.
Do you like your mask?
Do you like the part you play?
You’re a scared little boy, too frightened to be who you really are.
And I thought it would be the WORST idea in life to not be your friend
Because then I wouldn’t be your friend with “benefits,” I wouldn’t get that bomb ass head
Then I realized…
I never was your friend you little womanizing pussy
I never was anything to your pathetic ass
Instead of being real you were fake
Transparent, motherfucker.
Who were you trying to fool?
I can’t stand your gotdamn existence.
You make me fucking sick.
I have come to understand many, many things.
You were birthed by a donkey, there’s no other logical explanation for why you’re such an ass.
You’re insecure.
You’re a fucking loser.
You may become a good dad, a decent lover some day….
but you’re not perfect.
Your womanizing self will probably cheat on your future wife.
You paint the picture of “man on the down low” as well.
After coming to terms with the truth of the matter, I realize
YOU AINT SHIT
And cutting you out of my life was pure genius.

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So, I’m a bit late on an update. It happens. Many many many things have happened since my last entry. First and foremost I found a job. Well, two actually. I work at Bath and Body Works and I am a private tutor. I definitely prefer tutoring to retail work because 1) it pays more…a HELL of a lot more and 2)its far more exciting. But enough about that. I’m still plagued by love troubles, schizophrenic, and an insomniac. I’m trying this new thing where I dont drink diet coke. Yeah, its difficult. But I “gotta work at it like a crack addict up in rehab.” I can’t believe half of the damn summer is gone. Correction, ALL of the damn summer is gone. I’ve still got about three weeks left. Whoa creepy. It reminded me of the “in a few weeks” poem I read, except now its all reversed. Leaving home to go to school. Leaving old friends to return to other old friends. Pssssh shit is crazy. I have an idea…and its totally deserving of its own entry. I hate it when ppl list off the shit they’ve done today and expect people to read it. Thats what I’m doing right now. I’m doing what I hate people doing…I must stop….

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