I am a human being with a fundamental question. I have an issue, a problem rather, but I can’t address it in the present real life here and now. I am very bothered at the moment. I was told by someone that they are “happily single”. The reason it is so bothersome is that I entertained the idea of being with that person; I told them I didn’t, but thats a lie. I have a pride problem, you see.
Regardless, I do not understand why. Why is it that almost every individual, actually not almost every, but honestly and truly every individual that I have thought about wanting a relationship with is completely uninterested? And so I turn to myself. What exactly is it about ME that is so unattractive? So horrific and horrible that I am not “girlfriend” material? But what I AM is someone to have fun with, “hook up” with, etc. I don’t fucking get it.
It is not that I am so broken up that this particular individual doesn’t like me in a relationship sort of way, but rather that I have yet to find someone who is. I won’t badmouth him and say he’s a boring guy and he’s retarded and a homo, etc. because frankly I know that’s not true (I was considering starting to like him). I do anticipate that we will remain friends, and in that respect I’m happy. But there are some things I’m not happy about.
I am not happy with the fact that I haven’t had a boyfriend my entire freshmen year of college. It is quite a nusiance. I’ve been successful in nearly every other aspect–well, not nearly every other, but gotdamn it, yes– every fucking other aspect of college life. I have a great GPA, made a few friends, secured an incredible job for next year, etc. But I’m single and its not cute anymore. I have this “player type” facade that I don’t give a shit about these things, but I do. I give a shit about them while I’m by myself and I don’t have to explain things to anyone.
I would scream right now if I could.
I’m wondering though, what is it–what exactly is it….I was always “hook up” material, especially to guys that I thought to be attractive-even when I was 30lbs heavier than I am now, even when I had a little afro, even when I had a 2-outfit-rotation, even when I didn’t know how to use makeup. So I changed all that, thinking it would make a difference. I somehow, well actually I know how, managed to lose 30 lbs in a summer, I dyed my hair and started straightening it, I got some more clothes, I got a book about makeup and I just changed things. I just changed me. But somehow that wasn’t right either. Somehow people still don’t like me. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I like me. At least most of the time.
So now I get by with a little projection.
THEY have a problem since they dont like me. THEY are too stupid to understand me. THEY are far too immature to know a good person even if they slapped them in the face. THEY will never have the experience of getting to know me and getting to be with me. THEY are not even that wonderful themselves. There are 1000000000000 million more THEY’s across the world anyways. Fuck them.
I can sigh with relief, take a step back and realize I am not inherently flawed as a human being. But then reality sets in, and I realize that everything I talked myself into believing is just a mere Freudian defense mechanism, and I still have not dealt with the issue at hand.
Thanks to my Abnormal Psychology class, I think I know what my problem is. I experience what is called “transference”.
We all experience it actually, but generally are unaware of it. Funny, I never quite knew what it meant until now. Transference is, as I can best explain it, reliving old experiences in the present as though they are currently happening. You are unaware that they are past experiences, because they feel like the present. Now, I was skeptical at first. Skeptical until this very moment actually, but I had a epiphany so to speak.
There is no logical reason for me to be as upset as I am right now about the whole “happily single” thing other than transference. This whole experience must have occured before; his answer of being “happily single” must have triggered something for me. What it is I do not know, but I KNOW I am feeling this way for many many reasons. I feel perhaps it goes back to middle school. When everyone was having their first boyfriends and girlfriends in about 6th grade (“going out”, u know) and I didn’t have one. Now when I say everyone had one, I mean damn near everyone. I was the only “popular” girl who didn’t have someone like her. You can think what you want. You can think I don’t know what I’m talking about. YOu can think transference is ridiculous. You can think I’m ridiculous for not “being over” something that occured nearly 8 years ago. The human psyche is delicate, this I do know, and every single thing you experience shapes you in some way–even the small, stupid “insignificant” life experiences. I in no way shape or form think that all my problems stem from a week in 6th grade when cupid’s arrow shot everyone, but I certainly think many began there.