Monthly Archives: November 2004

Intensity


Sometimes I think I take things far too seriously. I’m like ANGRY right now, like ridiculously angry. It’s a combination of things, I believe. I’m just annoyed with situations that I THOUGHT I let go. It makes no sense to still THINK about these situations, let alone be upset about them. And yet, even after having experienced this revelation, I’m still angry. I feel its an issue with intensity. I place entirely too much thought into a situation. I can’t just accept the fact that someone didn’t call me back; they didn’t call me back BECAUSE they were ignoring me on purpose or being an ass( either subconsciously or consciously).  It sounds quite irrational, especially seeing it in print. I can’t help it though.  People don’t do things just to fucking do them. There’s reasons why….right?


I’ve been shaking my head for the past few hours, contemplating some things. Things being inconsistencies that I’ve been told, and inconsistencies being shorthand for lies. My mother told me that calling someone a liar isn’t very nice, so I’ll try to refrain from doing so.


Let me tell you a story, I’ll keep it short and simple. Once upon a time there was me, and there was this boy I met. We “talked” sort of; I guess you could call it a friends with benefits type situation. And then one day he tells me that he’s experienced a “spiritual revelation” of sorts, and we can no longer mess around like that. Which at the time was fine to me, because I was somewhat bored of him and our situation. After that, we didn’t talk very much, because he was so busy, right? Well one day, about a month and a half later, I saw him on the elevator with some girl who was, unbeknownst to me, his girlfriend for nearly a month! It’s kinda funny, because you don’t talk to someone for 2 weeks and then call them your girlfriend. I decided to let things pass, and to not particularly think about it. And that I did, until today. So he IMs me today, making small talk and such, telling me he and his girlfriend broke up. I asked why, he said it was because she was too religious. I figured now would be a good time to ask for clarification on some things.”But i thought you and i stopped messing around because you became religious?” “Well yeah I became that way for her.” Hmm I thought that was “funny”. I had an unhealthy desire to slap him in the face with a brick. But then again maybe it wasn’t that serious, and I just thought it was more dramatic than it actually was. *Sigh*


I just want to go home actually, and be around people who actually genuinely give a shit about me. I’m just not particularly feeling the love right now. I guess everyone has their moments and what not….right? There’s up times and down times and I suppose I am having a down time, have been for about the past week. I always have such a high whenever my friends come to visit or I get to see them or whatever, and such a low when they are gone. It kinda sucks. And right now its like the one person who was able to make those low times high times is acting differently…..the one person who I talked to all my friends about as being really cool, the one person who I thanked God for every day. I just don’t know what happened. And furthermore, the worst part about that is I don’t even think they realize they’re doing it, but it feels personal and intentional.


 


 

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