Monthly Archives: June 2004

the chaos theory is also known as sensitive dependence on initial conditions. and right now, i can say i understand this theory with uncanny insight. this chaos theory is present in one of my inter-personal relationships. the situation is as such, we meet each other. he likes me and at the time i am liking a few people. time goes on, he still likes me, and tries to talk to me some. i just kind of accept it as simple flattery but don’t act upon it. all this is happening over a period of several months. about a week or so ago, i am informed that he likes someone else. and of course my friend jade  comes to visit. the feeling that took over is something that only those who have been in my situation can understand. its a sort of psychotic reflex, like “what the fuck you’re supposed to like ME regardless of how i treat YOU”. so instantaneously, i step up things a notch–start acting nicer, talkin to him more, etc. just to avoid conflict and change in those initial conditions. what wasn’t supposed to happen, however, it did.


i think i like him…..


 


 


 



there is not a more terrible feeling than beginning to like someone that is already over you. speaking with him is very hard, its just like someone whispering to me ‘you fucked up’ over and over again. its a nasty vicious cycle and i shouldn’t have allowed myself to get sucked in. there are things about him that i like very much and other things that just get on my fucking nerves. what bothers me most is that i dont have control over the situation. its totally out of my hands, and he is the captain of this ship. i hate not being in control. and to make matters worse its like watching the videotape in The Ring or going to fear.com in the movie feardotcom you know what is going to happen to you, but you can’t stop doing what you’re doing, and worse…you can’t CHANGE what is going to happen. i already know, that im going to end up liking him and he’s going to end up with this other girl. she’ll change her mind about how she feels, suddenly confess her undying love for him, and where will i be? alone…where i always am.


i don’t blame people that play; its far easier to do that than to catch feelings and end up broken in 10,000 pieces.


its so complicated becuase i want wonderful things, but at the same time im too chicken shit to take great risks. i see it as jumping off a bridge into a bottomless pit…you know you’re going to keep falling, so why the hell would you jump?


these are my neurons firing, my brain being scrambled, and my fingers typing the resultant.


am i wrong for wanting security? i think im this daring person, but i just don’t know…i am so torn.


should you give up security to life the life(in my case love life) you’ve imagined? i mean, perhaps its imagined for a reason…perhaps its imagined becuase it is unable to be  a reality….

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

I’ve been meaning to write, I just haven’t had….the drive. I’ve certainly had the time. I had a lot of time on my hands last week considering the nasty punishment I was on. I’d rather not talk about it, as it is in the past. I sat down to write about one thing, and yet there is something else on my mind. One simple question.


Why is it that humans and bugs are unable to coexist in a harmonious way?


This question is not, of course, a prodcut of deep thinking. Rather, it is a question brought out of an action that took place. I sat down to write this entry and I casually looked up into the air. I noticed some sort of insect crawling around on the ceiling. I kept glancing upwards, telling myself I could ignore it. But I couldn’t. And it was that uneasy feeling of having some 6 legged creature looming above me that caused me to do what I did. I ran into the kitchen and rummaged around for something that would exterminate that creature. Luckily I found a spray bottle full of clorox cleaner. It took at least 10 sprays on the corkboard ceiling before the beast fell to the floor. And even then, it was not dead. I searched for it on the carpet, finding it still scattering about. I could have stopped here. It was no longer looming above me. But I couldn’t stand it. The thought of just knowing this thing could creep up behind me and travel the paths of my legs was not a settling feeling. Of course I had to kill it. A quick stomp and its life was through. I really hate killing bugs. I’ve turned around to see it lying dead on the floor at least two dozen times throughout the course of my typing. A moment ago I stepped over the dead carcass to get myself a glass of water, and I could have sworn I heard it speak to me. It’s tormenting me from beyond the grave. Oh, and by the way make that 30 times I’ve checked over my shoulder. I can become obsessive compulsive about these sorts of things. I hate bugs, very simply put. However, it is so much more complicated than that. I sometimes wonder, well…technically thats a lie. I just had a thought would be the truth. They say (who is ‘they’?) that serial killers are often cruel to animals. What do they say about people that are bug killers? Do we, too, have homicidal tendencies?

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized