Monthly Archives: May 2004

So I satisfied my curiosity.


The following is something that satisfied my sentiments.


_________


Cameran Chrowe’s  “Chivalry”


I’ve been a victim of gentlemanly conduct.
I Received 13 red roses
Only to have pain enter my hands from the dozens of thorns that were not removed.
The asshole doesn’t send flowers
The rich man gives diamonds
I should have gone for the diamonds.


Gentlemanly conduct
 is Drinking Country TimeĀ® Lemonade
Artifically sweet, although it tastes so good
Gentlemanly conduct
is going for a romantic walk alongside the beach during a hurriane
Gentlemanly conduct
is being pissed on with a smile


Gentlemanly conduct
makes me fucking sick


___________


I’m straight though, its nothing worth slitting my wrists about. In other words, its not that serious. At least not anymore. Initially I was pretty bummed about it. Some of the things that were said I don’t agree with or even understand, but fuck it. I didn’t feel like  stressing about it. So, under the advisement of Heather–think of the things you DIDN’T like about that person. And that, my friends, is what allows you to move on.


Last night, Heather(Chedda) played DJ and sang a lot of songs that made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to pee! She’s hilllaaaaaaaarious. Even better than that, I realized that when one door closes there’s always a window open. So last night I went to bed with a smile on my face as opposed to tear-stained eyes. Its mighty crazy how things work out. I guess my ability to be completely immersed in something one minute and have no interest in it the next comes in handy. Yay to being indicisive!


I should probably decide what I am going to wear tonite. I’m actually going out* tonight!


* Hell, I would go out EVERY damn day if  I could, but that is prevented because of Venita and Ervin (parents).

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Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. More thinking and less acting. I don’t know which way is better. It makes sense though….I’ve had a lot of things to think about lately. Graduating, going away, the still fruitless search for a job. It just seems like I’m searching for answers in all the wrong places and from the wrong people. I’ve been caught up in living in a sort of fantastical environment and I suppose everyone has those moments. Its been lovely, it really has. I just think that I would like to spend some time back down in reality. Things have just been so very crazy lately. I’m sitting here listening to the hum of the computer and the wind gently rapping on the glass. Its a juxtaposition of the cosmopolitan and the jungle in a way.


In my reflective mood I’ve come to the realization (for perhaps the 20th time) that life is a BITCH (who the hell is calling me right now and interrupting my flow ?). What I meant to say is that life is a system of contrasts. Yin and Yang. You know what I am referring to. There have to be ups with the downs. Its a rather strange feeling when they occur simultaneously.


I wish I was a more static and less dynamic person on occasion. I wish I wasn’t so indicisive. I cannot explain to you the trouble and frustrations that result when what you want honestly fully and truly changes very frequently. It’s like being on a haunted hay ride. I am constantly faced with what if’s because of the things that I don’t act on. And because I don’t act on things as much as they haven’t happened I can equally pretend like they could happen. This is what I mean why I say I have been living in a fantasy world–since nothing is ever concrete its like the sky is the limit. I feel like being grounded and having some limits. Its hard to change something, such as being indicisive, which has brought you so far. This rings especially true in the avenue of love and romance.


There is someone that I’ve told myself I haven’t liked since the day I felt they didn’t like me. It was working up until recently. I secretly hope deep down that my feelings are reciprocated but I already KNOW they aren’t. Well, I don’t KNOW because I haven’t asked that person, but I just feel it. I however, need to know in absolute certainty. This however is only going to occur when I specifically ask that someone how they feel. I’ve been putting it off, but I just can’t anymore. *Sigh* Someone help me…..


I just have to have my curiosity satisfied. I just need a push in a certain direction. I’ll just have to wait and see where exactly that is.

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“For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself”


Wow, time is FLYING. I wish someone would have told me the time between Senior Prom and graduation would be a blur.
I cannot believe in less than 12 hours I am graduating. It’s really crazy. These past couple days have just flown by. It’s a bittersweet moment as I reflect upon my high school years. I am fortunate enough to have enjoyed my high school experience, because there are many that don’t. However, it is sad to say goodbye to the familiarity. I am excited to move on to the next stage of my life. I’m already catching opposition by some folks, and first and foremost that isn’t welcome. Someone asked me what my major was and when I responded with Psychology they reacted as if I had said anus stretching. It serves as a motivating factor, however.


I keep on turning around to look at my cap and gown, well not necessarily to look at it but it is the first thing that I see back here. It makes me kinda teary eyed actually. It just stands for a lot of things. I did work really hard thoughout high school, and did achieve the goals that I set for myself. But for some odd reason I look at the decorations for my gown and think “damn, if i just had one more department pin i would be happy” But I wouldn’t, and I’m being RETARDED about it. I know I am, I just can’t help it. It’s like a distorted body image. It’s pretty messed up….
So I rather not talk about it.


Well, I should probably try to get some sleep tonite.
I dunno how that will work out…….I’m just not tired….


 

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“Keeping it Real; a simple rant”


I haven’t been keeping it real lately. I’ve been keeping it sugar coated. I’m sick of a lot of people right now. The number of people on bullshit in my life grow exponentially, and I’m tired of not saying anything about it. I have just been growing more and more tolerant, and perhaps its too hot right now for me to be tolerant…


I make a resolve several times a day to not talk to people that I feel aren’t doing things for me. But I do it. It’s tempting–I have a “friend” that on a day to day really doesn’t do much for me, he makes me feel stupid, inadequate, ugly, ignorant, immature, etc. However on occasion, I’ll have a question to which he provides me with a profound answer. So he stays. I dunno, I used to THINK I had feelings for him, but now I know that I DON’T.


I convinced myself that I did. Now, in actually THINKING I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t want that dude to be my boyfriend. I did it again. I did the sugar coating. What I really thought was I don’t want to date that bitch. Its been too long of a time in which I’ve wanted this kid’s affection. Fuck him. Its so strange, there are people that want to talk to me…however since they weren’t him they weren’t good enough. Well, well, well I’m not going to pass up any more potential people because of some bullshit like that. Bullshit referring to the fact that he’s really cute on paper, but talks more out of his gotdamn neck than a person with an external voicebox. Talk about being fooled by the wrapping. I’m not playing that shit anymore, and thats keeping it real. But in traditional indY fashion I’ll continue talking to him and I’ll be the one blowing hot air.


 


Hopefully, I can resolve this situation.


 

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“Why do I even bother?”


Why invest time in someone when you know, deep down, that it is going to be a disappointment? I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m going to cut that out.
It’s a funny story, actually. Time and time again. I’m sitting here, typing this, with strange thoughts running through my mind. I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. What am I referencing? My lack of a love life, of course. I had a conversation with a friend the other day about monogamy and relationships. I explained to him the vicious circle which predominates my relationships. I like someone who doesn’t like me; I don’t like someone who does like me. I further explained to him, that I don’t really know what I want, usually all I want is a chance with someone. I am by nature a curious person, and I feel that a relationship will work until proven otherwise. And likewise, I can’t prove it otherwise unless I try it. However, it is difficult to attempt a relationship with someone that is either 1)currently in a relationship 2)trying to form a relationship with someone else. He further advised me in the fact that if I really want something, I could do whatever necessary to achieve those means (All’s fair in love and war). However, I just don’t feel comfortable meddling around in business that I shoudln’t meddle in. I confessed to him that on numerous occasions I contemplated giving bad advice just to cause problems which would allow me to “be there” for the person.I haven’t done this yet. Anyways, he didnt make me feel like a horrible person for this, which was lovely. He also said that he’d be willing to give me tips on how to “gently poke”, not meddle, in certain business. What’s ironic is I don’t hink he knew the whole conversation was about him. But something other than logic tells me he did…..

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