Monthly Archives: March 2004


Dearest Eighteen,
How you have betrayed me! I thought we would have been the best of friends…You, freedom, and I. On the contraire! Never have I seen freedom, but rather her arch foe constriction has become my most “dear” companion. If I could strangle you right now I would. You have brought nothing but problems and confusion. Many many of moments I have wasted dreaming of your arrival. When are you leaving? You’ve long worn out your welcome. Whatsoever made me trust you?

scratch that:……..

Eighteen(the REMIX)
I’ve telephoned many times but I haven’t been able to reach you
I must write instead
We need to have a very serious conversation
I request an explanation concerning
My pet bird which I intrusted to you.
It’s been abused, I am just waiting for confirmation that you are the culprit
She sings no more
She plays no more
She talks no more
But rather has a reserved response to every stimulus
What have you done!
How you have betrayed me!
You told me you would allow her to take flight
Now it seems as though her wings have been clipped
Why such a devious action, eighteen?
I thought we would have been the best of friends
You, Freedom, and I
But on the contraire!
Freedom seems to be posessed by her arch foe constriction
Whatsoever made me intrust my prized possesion to you?
I was told you were wonderful, eighteen
I was told you were wonderful
Now as I sit here observing my abused bird
I have nothing but a melancholy disposition mixed
with a violent anger
I am quite saddened that I spent many moments wishing I could be in your company.
You are a criminal, eighteen
You deserved to be captured,
If I could strangle you myself I would!
And I can, but I can’t.
Had your younger cousin have performed such an action,
she would have been terminated.
But you eighteen,
you are a tamer!
A trained tamer!
You rationalize
You dominate
You break down
You rip apart
You remove
All things which promote rebelliousness, creativity, expression
To replace them with
the Status Quo
the “standing” waves
the Moderation
the Control
the Complacency
You exanimate!
You exanimate until damnation!
Do not try to deny
or demur
You know what you do….
and now I know too
It’s a sad sad occurance that I won’t be able
to bring you to completion
I’ll have to wait another year
But keep trying
Keep doing your job
Bloody hell I’ll have my way with you
Take that as a threat


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Lately I’ve been wishing I had a stopwatch that could stop time rather than record it. This whole college financial aide business is REALLY stressful. I could scream, I could literally scream. *sigh* I try and enjoy things, I really do. But its difficult when every damn thing is a constant reminder of what the fuck I DON’T have. I’ve just been pretty manic-everything lately. One minute I’m happy the next minute I’m not. One minute I’m completely energized the next minute I’m passed out. Lately, I’ve just been doing things which are “necessary”  but I don’t feel like doing them. For instance yesterday, I filled out this scholarship application. I just felt really hopeless filling it out–like, why the fuck are you even doing this? There’s probably 10k other kids filling this out so you’re not going to be selected. Yet I filled it out anyways. I reluctantly handed it over to my counselor…I dunno, its awful but I just don’t feel like she’s working for me. My school is lame. How are you going to have ONE counselor for both juniors and SENIORS!?! Thinking about it provokes a nasty emotion inside of me. My emotions are polar opposites, I swear. I cannot wait to not live here and yet I don’t want to leave things behind. Little things are starting to drive me crazy. I think I need a vacation. Yes, I need a vacation. *cough cough* I’m comin down with a case of senioritis.

I feel a creative vibe coming on….I might have a poem written before the night is out…

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All the things you said

I say fuck you beacause its easier than saying
You hurt me.
Whatever happened to you?
Why did you change? Why did you go away?
I wish you would have stayed gone
Because it breaks my heart to see you.
Everyday we pass one another.
And we pass
Casually without thinking
Without care.
I shake my head in disbelief.
I cannot comprehend the person who you have become.
Are you the one with whom I wished upon that star?
Moments we shared….
Seem to be figments of my imagination.
Did they happen?
Do you care?
Why can’t you talk to me?
What did I do?
I cannot blame myself
For this fate that you choose.
A bond once shared
Said it could never be broken.
And here we lie severed
as if never connected.
As if we never talked
while walking,
while sleeping,
while communicating with just the eyes.
Now you are a stranger–
someone I have convinced myself to despise.
I fucking hate you
because I can’t stand looking in your eyes.
It breaks my heart because of what we have become.
I’ve tried to change it but change is the work of two
Not one of us can deny
The things that were said
Friends forever, its so funny
Because now you’re dead.
The you I knew is not the same
The you I knew is no more.
Friends forever, its so funny.
Because now I carry your severed head.
A constant reminder of what once used to be
A constant reminder of what you meant to me
But we were kids then
and now shit has changed….
We were kids then
things just aint the same…
We were kids then
we promised that day
Friends forever
Friends for life
I never meant to lie…

-indY 3.22.04


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Lately staring off into space. Wishing for more time. Gone. All gone, the time. Yesterday. September. Today. 1/2 year later. Very bizarre. Senioritis. Don’t wanna work and don’t work. Wishing that work had been done. *Shrug* Quite pointless now. Time passes quickly. Decisions made. Can’t change. Wondering what if….



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I wouldn’t consider myself a mean person.

Actually, I’m quite kind.

But what is kind? Is kind sparing another person’s feelings just because?

I am often confused and plauged by this question.

Is talking to people I don’t like being kind? Or is it being disgustingly fake?

I am plagued by this question.

Is being mean being honest and being real?

Why is it so difficult to be real and be kind at the same time?

My face is twisted into a perplexed expression.

It seems as though everything I do I am suspicious that those around me are doing this same action. Insecurity…..I suppose. Yes, I am a most secure insecure person. I know for a FACT that I am insecure. A most troubling thing about not being entirely sure with yourself is the fact that everyone in your life seems to think you’re acting irrationally.

The trouble with being a happy person is that when you’re not happy you can’t just be not happy–according to those around you, you must to be significantly upset in every aspect of your life. Something is “wrong”. Sometimes though, I just don’t feel like smiling. Can I not have a blank expression on my face without it being interpreted as an onset of depression? And yet, how can I not smile–during every moment of the day? The fact that I can sit at a computer and bitch and complain–what a blessing! What a blessing!

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The Life and Times of Ruttish Girl Rudderless

He lurked
in the shadows;
he lured
with his charm;
he appeared
as a gentleman.

I could not stop for this gentleman
so he kindly stopped for me,
extending a well groomed hand.
“How do you do?” he posed.
“How do you do this night?”
I stopped my walking,
enchanted by his presence,
looking confidently in his direction.

He haulted his charriot vert
and invited me to ride.
I happily accepted
we travelled many a places,
all the dark.         

This gentleman
found a quaint resting place
where those go to enjoy
sights of human nature.

We sat,
not talking
but admiring one another’s physiques.

So beautiful a man.
I have not seen
such a warming smile,
such honest hands,
such alluring eyes,
a visage of the god Adonis.

If i were to go blind after that very moment
mine eyes would cry tears for being able to view
such a sight nevermore.

His words enchanted me,
his smile intoxicating.
My breating became heavy
My heart rate quickened.
It was so hard to contain my awe.

Such a gentleman–
Whatsoever could his interest in me be?
Whatsoever the reason why he would engage in discourse?

Such a silly girl I was.
Such a troubled girl I was–
to think he could be interested in me!
To think is to be vulnerable and susceptible to disappointment
and I am so.

And so i sit reflecting on the adult things done–
the life and times of a ruttish youthful girl.

Not regretting
Not happy
But reflective
I sat in a mirror looking myself in the soul
Wondering and wishing
Feeling as though I made a mistake
Not regretting
knowing in my heart
but what done is done
what’s done is meant to be

I feel he knows but one part of me
I want for him to know the other parts of me
But whats done is done
He’s fixed his eye on another girl and she’s fixed her eye on him.                                                                            Those eyes never cast a wanting glance in my direction.

Im lurking in the shadows
quietly jaded
tears slowly falling
eyes swollen and
red as Hester Prynne’s A
and bloodshot liken to those of a dead sow.

Moments together
Sacrificied for moments alone
Wanting to be held
Instead of lying cold alone

But such perfection as he deserves such perfection
Im alwways seeming to fall,
always seeming to come up short,
always stopping right before the brink.

I wish time was changable,
something alterable,
But wishful thinking is for those who
know not the truth.

A ride with a gentleman,
moments in heaven,
all the rest in hell.
Mmy hand, the hand which fed him
was not bitten,
but completely severed off.
Moments in the life of ruttish girl rudderless

-indy 3.11.04

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21 questions

21 “rhetorical” questions

I remember learning this word when I was really young (my sister thought she was so smart using big words), and thinking I knew what it meant. I always thought that it meant a question you can’t really answer. I suppose a rhetorical question is one you can’t answer, but upon a closer examination its moreso a skillfully asked/persuasive question. But now I’m confused….well wait….should a skillfully asked question be really easy to answer or virtually impossible to answer? Well in any case, I was doing some “extreme thinking” the other day, and I was wondering some things….

The world is supposed to be balanced right…kinda like yin and yang….for there to be good there has to be bad, happiness for sadness, etc. Does that mean that because I eat someone else has to starve? And because someone else is suffering, I am comforted?
Why is it that the things I “don’t care” about really bother me the most?
Why do I always search for approval from the one person that just won’t give it to me?
Why do I always seem to like people that don’t like me?
Why is it that the person that I come online to talk to is NEVER on?
Of all the things to see and do each day, why would I much rather stay home and sleep?
Why is it so fun to drink directly out of the carton?
Why are the “bad” words what they are….in other words, why isn’t “desk” offensive?
Why do I talk with people that piss me off 90% of the time?
Why don’t I cut people off for fucking up numerous times, but rather give them 99 chances more?
You meet John because he’s friends with Paul. You and John become close. You are no longer talking to Paul. Why the hell doesn’t John want to be friends anymore?
We’re taught to speak our minds; we’re taught to mind our manners. Why is it that these seem to be mutually exclusive events?
Why does hair grow if its not living?
Why do we type with certain fingers (home row what!!)?
Why must there be ambiguity?
Why is it easier to accept the bad than the good?
Why do I find it necessary to define things that cannot be defined?
Why do I feel like laughing at the most inopportune times?
Why do I ask so many damn questions?

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Pop Music Can Make You Happy (I love you Hilary Duff!!!)

I’m in a mood right now. I can’t quite really explain it. Its a mix of everything, which translates into “I just don’t give a fuck.”
I was hoping to take some AP tests in order to receive college credit. I wanted to apply for sophmore status (granted that I had a 3 or better on each of them) but that shit aint about to happen. I’m taking a grand total of 0 tests this year.I’ll live though. I’ll have to do things the old fashioned way. *shrug*. Fuck it though. I got all excited when I came home today and I had mail from both OSU and MSU. Too bad its not what I was waiting for. “You’re invited to a freshman open panel discussion!” Well, thats not going to do much for me if I can’t pay for your fucking school. Its really stressful, but nobody has heard from their colleges yet about how much money they are getting, so I shouldn’t be THAT worried. I know I can’t control certain things and there’s really no reason for me to get extremely pissed about it, but just because I’m not angry doesn’t mean I have to be slap-happy. *rolls eyes* I’m frankly just sick of everything.

I’ve been lying to myself all these years when I’ve said that I “don’t mind” my school. I suppose I haven’t been annoyed until our class (’04 WHAT!) has been the guinea pigs for everything…from uniforms, to community service requirements…to just EVERYTHING. Today, we were talking about senior exam exemptions. I am “fortunate” to go to a school where semester exams are able to be exempted. However, in past years at my school, seniors have had the privilage of exempting EVERY exam as long as the student has an A, B, or C average. Crazy shit, I know. Well, that didn’t last too long, granted that seniors became infected with senioritis (the I just dont give a fuck syndrome). So the policy was changed to exempt 3 exams with an A or B average. Well, my school thought to themselves….here comes c/0 2004 so its time to fuck up everything. I was told that “the grading scale has been changed, so the exemption policy will change”. Well take that shit back. Change all my 90% As to Bs. I really don’t care, but what I DO care about is having to take 5 exams this semester. Its bullshit on a stick.

And while I’m feeling all this hostility, at the same moment there’s a sense of contentment.

I’m not starving. I’m clean. I’m warm and dry. I have clothes on my fucking body. I have books to read. I have a radio to listen to music to. I have hands to write with. I have sight. I have great friends. What more could you ask for? Well, a lot, LOL,….but what more should you ask for? Yeah…..


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I love your colour
The tints of emarald green
Jade Jade Jade Jade
I hate what you’re doin’ to me

One upon a time
There was
A boy
Who I once adored
But you
Jade Jade Jade Jade
You took the goodness out of me

I can’t be happy nor
can I be sad oh oh oh
I can only be
I can only be
I can only damn
I can only curse
Please let me go
Jade Jade Jade Jade
Let me go

But instead
I hold your hand
Forcefully letting go
We walk by side
I walk alone
Lingering in the shadows
Creeping backstage
Secretly hoping
Secretly wanting
Secretly plotting
Jade Jade Jade Jade
Look what you’re doin to me

Everything green
Everything gold
Is shaded and shadowed

Once upon a time
There was
A girl
Who couldn’t do anything
But love and then
Jade Jade Jade Jade
She met you

-indY 3.6.04

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Baby Steps in Bold Swinging

I feel like I am moving toward my resolve to boldy swing. At the library today I found myself entranced by this guy’s hair. It was just so pretty: it was short, curly. I was helping a friend type a paper and thanks to my typing skills I was able to type her paper and enjoy looking at him all the same. She admired his curls as well, they were just so silky! DAMA! Anywho, as we were getting ready to leave, I asked my friend “hey do you think I should say something to that guy?” she replies, “I dare you.” Well of course I am not going to reject a dare! So, I….semi reluctantly approach him and say “you have the most beautiful curls!” Surprisingly his face lit up with a smile, and he said “Thank you, that is so sweet of you!” I just had to run my hand through those curls (he let me! yeah!). We talked for a few minutes, about random things, introduced our selves and that was the end of it. I dont know why I didn’t ask for his number or give my number. Thats why they’re baby steps I guess…..

I had an experience with tongue-in-cheek humor today. My teacher told us we were having a test on antiderivatives. Actually it was a test on derivatives. HAHA Opposite! I hate her (not really).

Well, I am beginning to ramble. Plus, the Dave Chappelle’s show is almost starting…..


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